It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My boss always cancels our meetings

My manager is the CEO. They have eight direct reports, plus they are across projects — key clients, key projects.

They’re very busy, of course, but they constantly cancel / decline meetings with me, whether it’s a performance review, a briefing before a client meeting, or our weekly 1:1’s. I feel as though I’m constantly shunted for something else.

I can rationalize some kinds of meetings being canceled, but to what extent should I expect my weekly 1:1 with them be kept? I always thought that these meetings are the holy grail of manager-direct report relationships? Am I being sensitive and unreasonable?

The busier your manager, the more likely this is to happen — and generally you’re expected to just roll with it … and your quality of life will be higher if you choose to do that, rather than taking it personally. Your boss is juggling a zillion different competing priorities, and while your meetings are important, they often won’t be as urgent as other things coming at them.

The big question I have for you is whether these meetings (particularly the performance reviews and weekly one-on-one’s) get rescheduled. If they do, then yeah — this is just part of working for a busy CEO. If they don’t, that’s more of an issue and something you should raise, because you do need time with them in order to do your own job. Occasionally canceling a one-on-one without rescheduling it isn’t a big deal, but generally you should expect them to be rescheduled rather than canceled altogether. If that’s not happening, raise it and ask if there’s a better way to get the time with them you need.

Related:
my boss keeps canceling our meetings

2. A smelly coworker who I don’t know

I’ve read all your articles regarding coworkers/employees with hygiene issues. I have a slightly different problem. I work for a large government agency. As I’m sure you know, remote work has been almost completely ended for federal employees. My job has always been in person, but remote workers have been “assigned” to our building.

We now have random people assigned to sit in cubes mingled in established teams. Someone was assigned to the cube across the aisle from me. He has extremely bad body odor. I’m not sure what I can do to solve the problem since I don’t know him, or anything about him.

I’ve talked to my supervisor, but she doesn’t know what to do either. We don’t have HR in our building, but I could submit an HR ticket. That seems unkind because I think he deserves to have someone talk to him in person.

Is your boss able to figure out who this coworker works for and have a discreet word with the coworker’s boss, requesting that they handle it? If not, submit the HR ticket. You’re not well-positioned to talk to this employee yourself about such an awkward topic, and the set-up means this is the only real option you have. HR can still talk to him in person if they feel that’s the best way to handle it; you’re just alerting them that it’s necessary (and you can do that in a kind and empathetic way).

Related:
my boss told me that I smell

3. Did I make a bad impression when I complained to coworkers?

I just hit one year in an entry-level position at a remote, high-stress marketing start-up. There are definitely some structural issues unique to my position, such as being expected to pivot from project to project without warning and my manager living in another country, which has made getting projects reviewed more difficult. Recently on a work trip, I unintentionally vented some of my frustrations about the way my position has been handled over drinks with a couple coworkers on a different team, who have never mentioned it again — but I can’t help feeling like people are avoiding me.

Friends and family members have assured me that everyone complains a little at work. However, I’m concerned that I’ve now made my reputation as someone ungrateful who disparages their coworkers, especially in a remote position where we don’t often get face-to-face time. How do I remedy this potential social faux pas?

It’s true that most people complain at work now and then, although it’s also true that it’s possible to complain in a way that lands wrong with people (because the complaint seems out of touch, or you seem excessively bitter, or you seem more negative than positive in general, or you seemed to lack judgment in who you vented to or where you did it, or so forth). I can’t tell if that’s the case here, but regardless the best thing you can do is to make a point of being notably helpful, upbeat, and capable in your interactions with those people. That way their most recent interaction with you won’t be the one you’re concerned about and if you did leave them with a weird impression previously, that should help overwrite it (particularly if you then sustain that).

4. Will a sexy Halloween costume cause problems with future jobs?

Last year, I met a guy who is the sweetest person ever. It took a while for me to get comfortable, but now I’m totally in love and very happy. One day he mentioned that he has always wanted to go out for Halloween with a woman dressed in a sexy costume. This year Halloween is on a Saturday and most nightclubs will have a party.

I think a sexy night out in a revealing costume would be a ton of fun, and I’ve picked out two costumes. Both reveal some cleavage and my whole bum.

Where the anxiety kicks in for me is that nightclubs sometimes have photographers and also that other people have phones. I know this fear is irrational but what if someone takes my picture and then a future employer finds said photo and doesn’t want to hire me? I really want to have fun and live my life, but I can’t shake the feeling that I’d be risking future job prospects. At the same time, I don’t want to dress myself based on work. (For context I work in the safety department for a construction company in middle management.)

Should I be worried about an employer finding a photo that someone else took of me? Is it likely that my photo will be taken if I’m just another person in the crowd? If so, do you think I will not get jobs because of my butt showing in the pictures? I really want to do this and have a fun time.

It’s very unlikely that it would affect your chances of getting a future job, but not 100% impossible. There are hiring managers who google candidates and judge them if they find that type of photo. But if a photo of you in the costume does end up online, how likely is it that your name would be attached? I’d think you could solve this whole thing by just not giving out your name (or not giving your real name) to anyone with a camera who happens to ask, unless you are so well-known in your community that people will already know it.

That said, exposing your entire butt is fairly extreme even for a Halloween costume, and if that’s the part making you anxious, you could find plenty of revealing costumes that don’t do that.

5. Should I send thank-you notes after a phone screening?

I have about eight years engineering experience and am currently applying to other jobs in the industry. I get plenty of requests for phone screenings, which is the initial call with someone in HR, who then sends info on to the hiring manager for the second and third rounds. This is generally the point where conversation stops.

I know to send a thank-you email after the meeting the hiring manager. Should I be sending one after the phone call with HR? It felt redundant to me since I end the phone call by thanking them for their time, etc., but I wonder if that’s why I rarely seem to hear back.

It’s good practice to send an email after the HR screening, so yes. But it’s also probably not the reason you’re not hearing back; thank-you notes generally build on an impression you’ve already made, rather than being a make-or-break factor. You should do them because it’s an easy way to strengthen your candidacy (assuming they include something of substance and aren’t literally just a thank-you), but it’s also worth looking at how you’re approaching the phone screens themselves, in case it’s weakness there that’s preventing you from moving forward.

Related:
thank-you notes: they’re not about thanking anyone

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. How to tell my boss I want his expertise, not AI

I switched careers a few years ago, and am in a job I love at a small company with great coworkers. My industry relies a lot on expertise. When I am working with a client, they expect me to be an expert and have knowledge of industry best practices, case studies, etc. One of the reasons I enjoy working at my company is that my boss has built up significant expertise over a long career, and has incredibly valuable insights. As I continue in my career I am excited to develop my own expertise, but he is a great resource for helping me understand the best way to present things and where to start when I’m digging in on a problem.

However, recently he has gotten extremely excited about AI. Every question I bring to him, he suggests asking AI or consults AI himself and sends me the output. When I talk about things related to marketing or client relationships, his first suggestion is always to use AI to do it. On one project recently, I asked him to review a report I wrote to ensure that it aligned with his thoughts and our client’s needs, and he suggested that instead I ask AI. I don’t want to ask AI — AI does not have the expertise I need that will help me learn, improve, and advance in my career.

I want to kindly and respectfully tell him that when I ask for his thoughts or insights, I am interested in learning from his expertise — that in fact one of the most valuable resources I have in learning to do my job is access to his deep well of experience — and that AI is not an appropriate substitute. I’m afraid if I try to do this it will come off as smug (or I’ll just yell I DIDN’T ASK AI I ASKED YOU!!). Do you have any suggestions on how to approach this?

When you approach him with questions, can you first say, “I did my own searches on this, but I’d really love to hear your thoughts from your own experience”?

If that doesn’t work and he keeps suggesting or citing AI anyway, I think you can say, “I appreciate those suggestions, but I find your thoughts from you so much more helpful than AI. It’s your expertise and experience that has been most useful to me, so I am hoping to hear straight from you on this if you’re willing!”

Related:
I think my boss is ChatGPT

2. My positive reference was actually negative

Last year, I lost my job. Between a long overdue mental breakdown that coincided with an extremely traumatic family tragedy, my work quality degraded rapidly and I was fired. Before that, I was an exemplary employee who had fantastic reviews (which I have copies of) and my manager had even called me a rock star of an employee. Since then I’ve been in therapy and on medication, and I’ve done a lot of work and reflecting to make sure that I never have a situation like that occur again.

When I started applying to jobs again, I asked a former coworker who I was close with if they could be a reference. I had known them for the entire time I was at my previous job, and they had even supported me through a lot of the bad that preceded my firing. When I asked them to be my reference, we had an incredibly warm and positive catch-up, and they sounded enthusiastic and excited to be my reference.

As it turns out, they have given an incredibly negative and untrue reference, and I believe there are at least three jobs that they have prevented me from either moving forward in the process with or getting an offer from. I only discovered this recently, and to say I’m devastated would be an understatement. I’m mortified I had no idea and let this go on this long — they genuinely seemed to want me to succeed, and never said they had reservations about me and my previous work. Had they, I would’ve used someone else.

While I understand that I probably can’t do anything for the jobs that already rejected me, I’m wondering if it was alright for me to reach out to a current job I’m in the process of interviewing with and ask to switch out their reference. I’m also wondering if there’s any way this could affect my reputation — I applied to multiple jobs across different departments at the same place (all within my experience and ability), and I have a rather unique name. There’s a large chance I may run into them or have to work with them in the future, depending on where I end up. I want to think I’m not the center of the universe and no one will remember me, but I’m spiraling a bit after this.

How awful. I do think you can swap out the reference; you’re just better off doing it in a way that doesn’t sound mysterious and or make them curious if there’s a story there. I’d say something like, “Katrina Mulberry has been hard to reach, so I’d like to replace her on my reference list with Nicolina Plufferon, whose contact info is…”

In addition, would you consider contacting the former coworker and asking what’s up? It’s reasonable to tell them that they assured you they would give you a strong reference, you offered their name on that basis, and you were taken aback to find that wasn’t the case, and you’re wondering if there’s something you misunderstood from your conversation or if there are issues from your work relationship that the two of you should sort out. Maybe that will spark some honesty from them about what’s going on on their end of this.

3. Fixing “grade inflation” in performance evaluations

I work for state government and have a team of nine people reporting to me indirectly. They have all been with my department for 15-20 years. I had an assistant supervisor (AS) who was their direct manager, who is now retiring and won’t be replaced. The AS has done the team’s reviews until now, and I would review and sign off.

I started six years ago, and I always felt that the AS was overrating the team on reviews, giving everyone exceptional ratings when only some of the team deserved them. I didn’t push back except in specific circumstances where an individual was notably underperforming.

Is there any way now to bring reviews back in to reality? I’m worried that anyone receiving an acceptable rating now after years of outstanding is going to freak out and wonder what changed about their performance when, really, nothing has.

Key context: the staff is union, so reviews don’t affect their salaries. Also, since everyone has been here so long, and these roles are remote, it’s unlikely (though not impossible) they’ll be leaving the role except by retirement.

Yeah, people aren’t going to like it. They’re especially not going to like it because you’ve been signing off on their reviews all along — it’s not like you’re a brand new manager coming in with a new way of doing things. They’re understandably going to wonder why you didn’t fix it earlier if you thought it needed to be fixed.

In any case, my advice is to make sure you’re calibrating your ranking system with how the rest of your organization, or at least your department or division, does things. If the change would have you rating your team on a much more critical scale than everyone else is using, that’s going to be a hard sell, and I’d question whether you should be doing it at all (especially when it wasn’t pressing enough to do it earlier).

But if your recalibration would get the ratings back in line with other teams in your area, that’s something you can explain. People still won’t like it, but you can explain the definitions the wider organization uses for “exceptional,” “acceptable,” etc. and that you’re going to be adhering to that system going forward. Be up-front that it means some people will see their ratings change, explain why you think it’s a useful change despite that, and be very clear about what “exceptional” does (and doesn’t) look like.

4. Is it true that no one ever gets fired or even managed?

For the last several years I’ve been on the same team, reporting to the same manager. He is a textbook example of hands-off to the point of negligence. There is no accountability on our team. Our manager announces new initiatives and people follow or don’t as they like, with no apparent consequences. Obviously, I don’t know what he says to other team members in their meetings, but there have been no visible behavior changes over 3+ years so I’m no longer inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt.

My manager has said to me multiple times, “I wish Eve and Nadine would do this…” or “I wish Ian and Roarke wouldn’t do this…” and it’s frustrating to me because a) all four of those people report to him and b) I have no management role. I am, in fact, less tenured than those people. He’s also said on numerous occasions that we’re all leaders and leaders don’t need to be micromanaged. I personally think people shouldn’t be managed based on their title alone, but that’s beside the point. I know my manager sucks and won’t change.

My question is: is it like this everywhere? I was talking to a work friend, who is more experienced and who I generally trust, about some of the specific frustrations lately and said I was thinking of looking for a new job. One where, hopefully, there is some accountability and if people don’t follow through on basic parts of the job, then there are consequences of some sort — up to and even including firing people when necessary. My friend said that doesn’t happen.

She said that once people get a job, they only leave if they want to. She said that this kind of management is everywhere, and people at our level “shouldn’t need to be managed” so it just doesn’t happen. For reference, “our level” is essentially lower-middle management. We’re not people leaders, but we’re on that level.

Is this true? There are aspects of my job that I like; I’d hate to leave and give those up just to end up somewhere else that also has no metrics for success and no accountability on the team, but also no flexibility in working from home and in my schedule, which are two perks of my current role I really value. If this is a common management style I might stick around longer, at least until the job market looks up.

No, it’s not true. “Once people get a job, they only leave if they want to” is a pretty incredible take!

It might be true at your organization, which is why someone who also works there is telling you that. But it’s not true in general. People get fired! People get given feedback and told to change and are otherwise held accountable, including lower-middle managers. There are places where that doesn’t happen — enough of them that it’s something to look at critically when you’re job-searching — but it’s absolutely not the case that it’s the norm.

You just have a bad manager (and maybe a bad employer if most managers there function like your boss does).

5. I can’t use the bathroom if I forget my work badge

I work in a trailer outside our main building. Since the trailer lacks a restroom, we must leave it and enter the main building to use the facilities. We used to access the main building through a key fob or access code, but they recently switched access to only a work badge. So now, if I forget my work badge, I can’t use the restroom. Is this legal?

Not if they don’t have a system in place to ensure you can get access some alternate way. OSHA regulations require  “prompt access” to bathrooms, and restrictions on that access can’t cause extended delays or create “unnecessary barriers.” If forgetting your work badge causes an extensive wait to access the bathroom (or if you can’t access it at all), it likely violates OSHA. (That said, your employer could legally discipline or even fire you for repeatedly forgetting your badge; you just need to have bathroom access meanwhile.)