It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I cry when people give me compliments

So … the subject line kind of says it all. I cry when people give me compliments. Not a “you look nice today” kind of compliment, but the sincere, drawn-out, vulnerable kind. I always have and I’m not sure why, other than maybe I’m just a Very Emotional Person, although I’m generally even-keeled and not prone to emotional outbursts.

I am a manager whose department is going through a reorganization, so I am switching teams and direct reports. I’ve worked with my current team for about three years and they are a wonderful group. I think I have very healthy boundaries, but also when you’ve been someone’s manager for three years, it’s hard not to develop some kind of attachment to them. People have shared very private and personal things with me, I’ve done what I can to support them through intensely difficult times, etc.

The transition phase for this reorg was deliberately a bit lengthy, so it’s been a very drawn-out goodbye. At the last couple of team retros, some of the team members have talked about what I’ve meant to the team, how much they’ll miss me, the impact I’ve had, etc. I cried both times. Then I’ve been doing a round of last 1:1s and one of my employees really opened their heart up about how much they’ve enjoyed working with me. And I cried then too.

I am glad to hear the feedback and happy to know that our working relationship was positive for them too. But I’m so mortified that I cry! And trust me, I do not have a pretty cry face (does anybody?). I wish I could just say, “Thank you, that means a lot” and get on with my life the way everyone else seems to. I’ve apologized for crying and told them I’m embarrassed, but they just say things like, “Don’t be embarrassed! It’s because you care so much that it’s emotional for you, and that level of care is what makes you such a great manager!” which has triggered more crying.

I don’t want to tell them to not express their appreciation. So maybe I should talk to a therapist about why I cry at compliments? Or just embrace the sensitive and sentimental side of myself? Or try really hard to disassociate when people give me compliments?

Aw, I think it’s okay that you’re crying in these situations. But you’re probably making it more awkward than it needs to be when you tell people you’re embarrassed by it, so I’d stop doing that. You can just say, “Thank you, that means a lot to me — as you can see!”

I’d be more concerned if you were crying in other situations, like when someone disagrees with you or you get difficult feedback, because that can make people reluctant to have those conversations with you in the future and can make it seem like you can’t handle pretty routine parts of professional life. But crying because someone has moved you with an expression of appreciation is a different thing.

I’m assuming you’re not, like, sobbing when this happens — if you are, then yes, that’s something worth talking with a therapist about. But getting a little teary? Totally fine in this context, and you might find it less embarrassing if you decide to just be matter-of-fact about it!

2. Was I wrong to say I’d miss a deadline if I was assigned more work?

I work at a small web development company with about 20 employees. I’m a regular employee, not a manager or even a senior employee. We work 32 hours a week but are paid for 35. We’re supposed to have Fridays off, but we need to remain available for “emergencies.” I have mixed feelings about this: since we’re paid for 35 hours, it’s hard to complain if we end up working three hours on a Friday, but it also means we can’t plan anything for that day.

From March through April, I was assigned to a stressful project with unrealistic deadlines. During those eight weeks, I worked at least 35 hours every week, and on two consecutive weeks I worked 40 hours. Any hours above 35 went into a time bank to be used later for appointments and such. I was doing my part to get the project delivered.

During the final week of the project, my project manager asked during a daily stand-up how she could support me through the end of the project. I replied, “Everything is on track. The only thing I need is not to be assigned additional tasks or projects until the go-live.” I probably added a nervous laugh too.

Two weeks after the project ended, I had my annual review with my manager, Fergus, who is also a developer. Fergus told me I shouldn’t have said that in the stand-up meeting. He said it was insensitive to say I didn’t want more tasks without knowing whether other employees were also working Fridays and overtime. I replied that I had answered honestly because that was genuinely what I needed, and that delivering the project successfully was my priority. He didn’t push the point further, and we moved on with the review.

This has stuck with me. Should I not say what kind of support I need when my project manager asks directly? That feels completely backwards to me. I don’t really know whether my coworkers were also struggling with their workload, but it’s not my responsibility to monitor that. I help when asked and I step in during stand-ups when I can contribute. Was this just Fergus, tired of working Fridays himself, projecting on me because I tried to assert myself?

Your wording seems fine to me. You weren’t saying, “You can’t under any circumstances assign me anything else.” You were saying, “Everything is on track as long as nothing additional gets added on to my plate; if it is, that would change my ability to make the go-live date.”

Is Fergus generally someone who nitpicks wording or has rigid expectations about how people should communicate? If not, I’d chalk this up to him being stressed during a period of high workload, or just a miscommunication where he thought you were refusing to take on anything else, not just explaining how it would affect the first project.

(Also, if you’re exempt, this pay set-up is legal, but if you’re non-exempt, they’re legally required to pay you for all the hours you work — so if you’re paid for 35 hours but work 40 hours, those hours need to be added to your paycheck, not banked for use later.)

3. A terrible singer in a volunteer choir

I’m part of a volunteer choir. While we perform, it’s non-audition so there’s a real focus on having fun. It’s a lovely, fun experience with one exception: one singer in the tenor section sings very loudly and very off-key (in the “peel the enamel from your teeth” fashion), to the point where when he sings I’ve genuinely seen people wince or jump at the sound. It’s like being ambushed by a turkey bashing at a xylophone.

He clearly knows that he sings loudly enough to bother other people but doesn’t particularly care about amending his behavior: he’s made jokes a few times to other people that he’s surprised he hasn’t driven them off with his volume. He also makes a point of coming to stand at the front of his section which – because of the layout in which we stand – means everyone is impacted; some of the alto/soprano parts have tactfully asked other tenors to try and get that seat so we’re not so impacted, but so far there have been no takers! (The impact of the sound is also enhanced by the fact that no one else in his voice part sings particularly loudly, so you only ever hear him.)

I’m sure he’s a perfectly pleasant guy and it’s not his fault if he’s tone-deaf, but the effect this is starting to have on the rest of us (plus the fact that he’s clearly aware there is at least some issue but doesn’t try to correct it) is really having a negative impact. It’s incredibly distracting when we sing together and is starting to affect people’s enjoyment of the choir. Multiple people have said it bothers them, and some even some said they don’t want to come anymore because of it. We suspect that our choir leaders over the years have been aware of this problem, because the tenors have been having far more generic, “let’s try singing that part again” coaching since Turkey Guy joined our ranks. However no leader has seemed to pull him up on this directly, most likely because we’re non-audition and people are never pulled up on “errors” for that reason.

Plenty of people sing rather imperfectly in our choir, but the off-key plus incredibly shrill volume is making this a double whammy. It’s impacting my enjoyment of the choir so much that I’m tempted to lay this out to our choir leader, say how much it bothers multiple people’s enjoyment of the group, and ask if it would be possible to suggest he tone the volume down. As this is a voluntary group though, I don’t know if there’s anything else I should take into account. Any advice?

Yes, you can do that! If it’s driving you and others to consider leaving the group, the leader should know that. You’re not making a demand; you’re saying, “This is affecting the enjoyment I get from participating, and since I’m at the point of considering leaving over it, I wanted to bring it to you and see if anything can be done.”

In general I’d try to avoid speaking for others — but if other people are telling you unprompted that they might leave over it, you’re allowed to reference that too, so the leader is aware it’s not just one excessively sensitive person.

The leader might choose not to do anything about it, but it’s information they should have. And really, dealing with this kind of thing is their responsibility; if it’s the first time a potentially awkward conversation has come up, they’ve been lucky.

4. Should I tell my boss to fire our new hire?

We just hired someone for my team who is, to put it lightly, not doing well. I work on a team of analysts who do a lot of technical writing for a niche industry. There are four levels, and he got hired at level three (so fairly advanced). But so far, he has:
1) failed to complete basic tasks on a reasonable timeline despite handholding from me, my boss, and another coworker,
2) provided work that is riddled with spelling and grammar errors and a lack of basic grasp of the technical concepts, and
3) often been unavailable during standard work hours and non-responsive to time-sensitive requests,
4) while exhibiting a real “I’ve got it, no worries” attitude.

I’ve given him kind but firm feedback when he messes up things that we work on together, and I’ve also been making pretty pointed comments to my boss about my concerns about his performance. My coworkers have expressed similar frustrations/concerns.

Should I straight up suggest to my boss that she should fire him? I’m worried about stepping over the line, but I’m also worried she won’t take action before his probationary period is over, and then we will be stuck with him (it’s very hard to fire people here once they’ve passed that mark).

It’s not overstepping to tell your boss that, having worked with the new hire closely, you don’t think he’s able to do the job that your team needs done. For example, you could say: “I’m concerned that Bob isn’t able to do the work we need from his position, even with feedback, and that if he stays past his probationary period, it will cause real problems for the team.” You could add, “I’d love to say I’ve seen improvement or the potential to improve, but everything I’ve seen so far makes me think that’s unlikely.”

5. Do I need to apologize for my email address?

I am an elder millennial born in 1988. I still use the email address I made up when I was 12 or 13. I have my birth year in my email. Let’s say it’s MyName88@fakename.com.

Recently I found out that the number 88 has an anti-semitic meaning. Had I known or ever heard of this, I would never have put it in my email. My fear was that the “88” in my email will be seen as a dog whistle to certain people. To rectify this, I have made a new email address and am slowly transitioning over to it. But sometimes I forget to use my new one.

I recently applied for a job using the old email address. Total accident — just an error in the slow email transition process. I made it through the first virtual interview and my next step is an in-person interview.

Should I bring up the 88 in my email address during the in person interview? I’d prefer not to dwell on this, but I value integrity too much to let a suspicion like that go uncorrected. I’d rather squash it now so we can move past it.

It’s extremely unlikely that anyone will think that; they’ll assume it’s your birth year or your graduation year or something like that (and I say this as a Jewish person). If you were giving off other signs that you were a giant asshole, then the “88” might be interpreted through that lens, but otherwise you’re fine and no one is likely to suspect you put the number there to let everyone know you hate Jews. You don’t need to bring it up (and shouldn’t).

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My promotion is destroying a friendship

We have a new CEO who is creating a new division within our company. He recently asked me to move to the new division and run one part of the new business unit. I am now in a senior leadership role, with ownership over all work on an issue I was already working on, but had not engaged on to this extent.

I’ve been doing the work in question for a few years, but have been tag-teaming a lot of it with a coworker … who also happens to be a very close friend of almost 12 years. We’ve spent tons of time together, traveled extensively together, and have generally been through a lot of life together. We were practically family. Now the work we had shared is all under my direction and said friend does not seem to be taking it well.

This friend has started throwing passive-aggressive comments at me, mentioned that they would never consider reporting to me and that they would just quit instead (this was never asked of them), criticized some work we are doing in this new unit as worthless, etc. I recently asked them to stop with the comments and now we don’t seem to be speaking at all, except politely at work about work. I am so sad.

Can friendships survive a promotion or should I consider this one over? What can I do to navigate this new dynamic? I don’t want to shrink myself and my opportunities just to keep a friendship, but losing a best friend is awful too.

Friendships can survive a promotion, unless one of the friends is acting the way yours is! If your promotion meant you were managing them, the friendship would need to change (and really, I’d question whether it would be practical to accept a promotion that had you managing a best friend of 12 years unless you were both willing to add a significant amount of professional distance into the relationship for the duration of that work set-up), but in this case you’re not even managing them, just managing some work they’re involved in. Their reaction is A Lot.

Can you give them some time and space and then ask what’s going on? Maybe this is just an initial reaction that they’ll shake off in time and, after they’ve had some space, they’ll be able to talk about it less emotionally with you. Meanwhile, you could reflect on what you think is happening on their side — was this a promotion they wanted too? Has anything happened that might have made them feel legitimately slighted by you (like if you shut them down in a meeting or made them feel their input was being dismissed)? Do you have genuine differences over how to approach the work? The idea isn’t to take the blame without even knowing what’s going on (and you might not have erred in your handling of this at all), but just to try to think about what’s happening from their perspective in case it sparks anything.

Ultimately, yes, it’s possible the friendship won’t survive this — but if that’s the case, it’s at least in part because they’re refusing to talk to you about what’s going on.

2. My old arrest video went viral and I’m afraid I’ll be fired

Three years ago, I was involved in a traffic stop in Florida, which has notoriously awful policing and I just don’t trust cops after all of the horrible things they’ve done in the past few years. I was afraid of the cop and the demands he was making for me to get out of my vehicle. (Yes, I now know they can do that, as the judge explained. I also admit fault in driving under the influence. I was wrong then. I know this!)

The body cam video of me being dragged out, cuffed, and expressing my fear and displeasure was picked up by a YouTube channel with a huge following that specializes in these types of videos. It has been clipped, stitched, and posted on various social media accounts. I have been trying to get it taken down but that is not a thing, apparently. (Why do people enjoy watching others on their worst day?)

Anyway, one of my coworkers, who has admitted to “loving” these channels, found the video. It has been circulated now around the office. I admit it was not the best day of my life, but I did all the things required by the judge.

A week ago, my boss called me into her office and asked about the video. I told her it was in the past and I haven’t been in trouble since three years ago. She commented that I left the arrest off my job application. I told her that because it was in court at the time and I had not been convicted, I did not put it on there. She frowned and told me to leave her office. I now have a meeting with HR that popped up on my calendar for Monday.

What can I do to protect my job? Am I going to get fired over a stupid body cam video from three years ago that some terrible people put on the internet?

I wish I could tell you with certainty what’s going to happen, but it’s up to your company. Some states do protect employees from discrimination based on criminal history unless the crime was relevant to the job in some way, but Florida doesn’t.

Your best bet is to express remorse, explain it was a one-time mistake that you have never repeated, and that you’ve stayed out of trouble with the law before and since (assuming that’s true). If you no longer drink, tell them that too. Ideally you’d be able to say it was a wake-up call that made a big impression on you and that you’ve had a spotless record since then, which you’re committed to continuing.

3. Our HR system lets everyone see everyone else’s HR requests

I recently put in a request for a leave of absence. My work requires us to use our HR system for this, which is also where we input our time, among other HR functions. While I was trying to find out where my request was in the approval process, I accidentally found out that I could see anyone and everyone’s HR requests — for anything — through a simple search.

The system is archaic and only went “live” during the pandemic because prior to that, they were using paper time records (this was also prior to me starting here). I work for a very large school district with over 6,000 employees and I can access everyone’s information if I wanted to. Which also means anyone and everyone could accidentally or purposefully find my paperwork.

Like all school districts, we are facing funding challenges, and along with the administrative challenges of finding a new vendor, I doubt changing HR systems is feasible. Relatedly, our HR department is completely incompetent, so I am almost certain me mentioning this would go nowhere. Thoughts on how to handle this? If at all?

You should absolutely let them know! Whether or not it’s easy for them to fix it, at a minimum they need to be aware that there’s a problem (and it might turn out to be quite easy to fix). Moreover, there’s a high likelihood that they’re legally obligated to make at least some adjustments to this system, because some of the laws that intersect with time off requests (like the ADA and FMLA) and medical accommodations (like the ADA) require that associated paperwork be kept confidential.

Approach it as if it’s likely an oversight that they’re not aware of and will want to fix. Since you’re skeptical of their competence, stress the legal side from the get-go: “Legally, this could get us into trouble since federal law requires us to keep details associated with some types of medical requests confidential.”

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4. My CEO wants to give me a more senior title than I want

Eight months ago, I started my first professional job out of graduate school, working at a small startup that has four employees. The job title in my offer letter was, let’s say, “Llama Herder,” which is typical for entry-level people with my degree, though some companies use “Senior Llama Herder” instead for the analogous position. That said, titles matter very little at our company; because of the size, people generally have an idea of everything that’s going on and self-direct their work based on discussions with everyone.

A week ago, the CEO told me that he’d be changing my title to “Principal Llama Herder,” which is generally someone with 5-10 years of experience and connotes management of a number of Llama Herders. This title change wasn’t accompanied by any changes in responsibilities or compensation, which I’m fine with, but I’m concerned it could interfere with my ability to describe my current role on a resume when I need to find another job. I’m worried that future hiring managers could think I’d be undesirably moving backwards if I applied for “Llama Herder” or “Senior Llama Herder” positions or that my salary expectations would be outside the range for those titles. I explained these concerns to CEO and he told me the title increase was prompted by a new hire (who has the same degree as me and starts in about a month) who negotiated for his starting title to be “Senior Llama Herder.” The CEO said he wants the new hire to respect me and the work I’ve done. I said I’d be fine having my title increased to “Senior Llama Herder” or “Senior Llama Herder II” if he felt strongly about me having a higher title, but he wouldn’t hear it. Since then I’ve seen in our HR software that my title has been changed to “Principal Llama Herder.”

Should I go back to CEO about this and how should I do so? And how should I address this in my resume? Could I just list my job title as “Llama Herder” going forward (exaggerating a title is obviously wrong, but the inverse feels different)? If the CEO does change the title do I still need to keep “Principal” for just the few weeks the internal systems said that?

Yes, go back to the CEO and say, “I feel strongly about not having the “Principal” title because it carries much more senior connotations than the work I actually do, and I’m concerned it could cause issues for me in the future. I appreciate your concerns about the new hire’s title, so could we simply do Senior Llama Herder or Senior Llama Herder II? I would be a lot more comfortable with that.”

If he won’t agree, then yes, you can still list your title as Llama Herder on your resume — you can’t add a “senior” when your company didn’t, but you can remove it without looking like you’re trying to deceive people. (And either way, you would not need to list Principal if that were only your title for a few weeks.)

5. Does employer’s silence mean I didn’t get the job?

My husband has been out of the workforce for 14 years and has been thinking of diving back in. He saw a job posting that is a complete unicorn for him: the job is primarily doing what he did for three years nearly 30 years ago but loved, and the secondary but important function is something he’s been doing in his spare time and through projects he’s started for over 30 years. He’s got tons of experience, but the primary thing is out of date by nearly 30 years. The job is for an entry-level position.

He submitted his resume and cover letter at 6:30 pm on a Thursday. At 8:30 am the next morning, he got a note from HR asking to do a phone interview with the hiring manager. It went great, good vibes between the hiring manager and my husband, and they followed up with a request for an in-person interview. My husband sent a thank-you note, which the hiring manager thanked him for within hours.

The second interview happened on a Friday. It went well; he met with two other members of the team and the hiring manager. At the end of the hour-long interview, the hiring manager said they had a few more interviews and would be in touch.

My husband sent another thank-you note, and on Tuesday of the following week, the hiring manager again responded warmly. It’s now eight days after that last response, and he has not heard anything. He sent an email yesterday to the hiring manager and cc’d the HR contact, reiterating his strong interest in the role, offering to provide any further info, and asking about the timeline. It’s now 24 hours later and no one has responded.

In the meantime, the job was posted on their site with five or six other jobs. All but one of the other jobs were taken down on Monday, with only the job my husband applied for and one other position being listed.

Based on this cadence and the radio silence, is it safe to assume that my husband did not get the job at this point?

Nope. Hiring always takes much longer than anyone expects, including the hiring team. And 24 hours on a candidate’s end is more like two hours on the employer’s end; they have other priorities that are likely more important to them, and they may not even have an update to give yet and might not respond until they do.

They know he’s interested and they’ll let him know if they want to talk with him again or make him an offer. They could come back to him at some point, even a month or later from now … or, sure, they might ghost him with no word, as employers do. But it’s way too early to read either of those into anything that’s happened so far. (That said, it does him no good to be anxiously waiting, so from a general quality of life point of view he’s better off assuming he didn’t get it and letting it be a pleasant surprise if they do contact him again.)

Related:
employer time vs. candidate time – which time zone do you live in?