It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I’ve run out of a patience with a rude coworker

I’ve run out of patience with a difficult coworker, Mary. I’m one of the few people who has to deal with Mary in person, and my work is closely tied with hers. She’s entry-level while I’m mid-level, but I’m not her manager or supervisor.

She has difficulty completing her work, which causes many problems for her. I have tried mightily to be her friend and mentor for the past few years, but her struggles continue. We’re locked in a difficult dynamic where I have to sit back and watch her flail, and I bear the brunt of her complaints. On a personal level, most people find her to be entitled, high maintenance, and impossible to please. She lashes out at people frequently, and today she stormed into my office following a completely normal interaction to call me rude, offensive, and dismissive. This is very common.

I’m not a confrontational person so I just take it on the chin and try to get on with my day. Over time, I’ve worked on being direct with her, setting boundaries, and learning how she wants to be communicated with. I’ve reported her to her manager and to HR multiple times, and she’s been put on performance improvement plans. Things improve for a time, then we’re right back in the same place.

Any advice to improve this situation? It’s impacting my work and my mental health. I’m worried that one day I’m going to snap and unleash years of frustration on her.

The biggest issue here is Mary’s manager, who apparently isn’t willing to deal with the situation in a way that gets it resolved. Putting someone on multiple performance improvement plans is ridiculous; the first one should have come with a clear statement that the improvement needed to be permanently sustained and if she backslid once it was over, they wouldn’t start the process all over again.

You’re limited in what you can do yourself, but at a minimum you can cut Mary off from constantly complaining to you and can leave the room if she’s being rude to you — and you should give up on trying to be her friend and mentor, because that’s not working and apparently just gets you more exposure to her rudeness (along with storming into your office). Stop trying to help someone who doesn’t appreciate it and is abusive to you.

You can also continue to report the issues you encounter with her to her boss and HR; make it less comfortable for them to keep ignoring the situation. And transfer the unpleasantness of dealing with Mary over to her manager as much as possible — meaning that if she’s not doing her work, rather than talking to her about it, take it to her manager (“I need X from Mary and don’t have it; can you please ensure I get it?”) and if she sends you rude messages, forward them to her boss with a note like, “Can you please address?” If you transfer the burden of dealing with Mary more to Mary’s boss, she might eventually be moved to act more decisively.

Related:
how to deal with a coworker who’s rude to you

2. “I forgive you” in a professional situation

I teach part-time at a university with ties to a Christian denomination, although I’m not Christian. The administration is pretty laid back, but the students are required to attend religious instruction/events weekly.

I made a remark in class within the context of the lesson that a student interpreted as meaning that I was applauding the fact that a police officer has been killed. In fact, I was indicating that the assailant had been caught.

The student walked out of class but did not make an issue of it. He came back and after class, he spoke with me alone and said he was very upset by what he thought he’d heard me say because his father was a police officer. I explained what I had meant and apologized that it came out incorrectly and that he had been upset by it. He responded, “I forgive you.”

I was taken aback by that and just thanked him. During the next class meeting, I apologized to the whole class and clarified what I had meant. No one else seemed to have noticed.

Part of what we teach in the classroom is professionalism. If the student had said he forgave me in a work context, I would have felt that was out of line. At a Christian university, I still didn’t think it was appropriate, but should I have told him not to say that in a workplace?

I talked with someone afterward who pointed out that “I forgive you” was heaps better than some other things the student could have said, which is true. He could done or said any number of other things that would have been problematic. Should I have instructed him — or the whole class without calling him out specifically — about how to accept an apology professionally?

I’d let it go. “I forgive you” would be weird in a professional setting, but you’re better off leaving the entire incident in the past rather than reopening it and risking him making a bigger deal out of it. This incident is just not well suited for turning it into a teachable moment, because it could backfire on you in ways you don’t intend.

For what it’s worth, I’m also not a fan of turning every small thing into a lesson about professionalism; sometimes the better part of professionalism is just giving people grace for not getting something quite right. You didn’t speak perfectly (it sounds like), he didn’t speak perfectly, and you can both allow for the other being a human who doesn’t always get things exactly right and just move on.

3. My old colleague recruited me for a job, then rejected me

Last summer I had lunch with a former colleague with whom I worked successfully for many years. She revealed that a) she’d been promoted to vice president of my former division and b) she wanted me to come back. I agreed, contingent upon the conditions of the return.

Months passed before she could create a position — this company is very bureaucratic — and when she did, it turned out the hiring manager was another former colleague with whom I worked successfully. He met with me privately to sell me on taking this new position, but there was a catch: I had to interview just like anyone else. I agreed.

Four interviews later, I was rejected for the job, the reason being that it was felt I was not quite ready for the position. I felt a little blindsided, yes, but my husband was furious and wondered why I was not. He said, “They asked you to return, they persuaded you to take the job, then they rejected you? They knew your abilities when they asked — what is wrong with them?” He thinks I have been ill used, and I might agree. Is my husband right, or is this just a normal, unfortunate situation?

I understand why you’re frustrated — they wooed you for the position — but it does sound like the hiring manager was straightforward with you that you’d need to compete for it and it wouldn’t just be handed to you.

That said, their reasoning of “you’re not quite ready for the role” is pretty aggravating since that’s something they should have been able to figure out earlier on in the process or — if it really didn’t become apparent until a specific role was created and you were interviewing for it, which is possible — they should have given you different feedback, more along the lines of “we were hoping this position would be a good match because of ABC but as we went through the process, we realized that it’s going to require someone with more XYZ.” And ideally the vice president who originally said she wanted you to come back should have reached back out to you to say something like, “This turned out not to be the right role, but I’d still really love to get you over here so let’s talk about what could be a stronger match.”

So I think fury is excessive, but it’s reasonable to be extremely irritated at how they handled it.

4. Applying for on-site jobs when I can’t drive at night

What are your thoughts on applying for hybrid jobs or jobs that don’t advertise as being remote when the commute could be an issue? I can legally drive at night, but I won’t because my vision is so poor that I am no longer comfortable doing it. In my mid-sized city, public transit is awful, so I can’t easily get anywhere with it.

The Job Accommodation Network seems to say the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) would cover the interactive process for your commute if you were already hired, but I’m not even 100% on that.

I can find places I’d like to work that are across the city (and I own a house, so moving isn’t an option), and I don’t want people to think I’m ignoring the rules just to ignore their return-to-office mandate (even though I do think it is dumb), but for example, a 40-minute drive to cross the city takes 2.5 hours via two buses and an hour walk to a corporate location that I’ve heard is awesome to work for, and I can name a lot of places like that. Otherwise I’m stuck to the downtown corridor which is fine, but that’s all banking (yuck … been there, done it, and no). I’m currently fully remote for a local downtown law firm but trying to stomach working for the next 30 years and unsure how to handle it.

Employers are required to make the same accommodations for potential hires that they’d make for existing employees; there’s no category of “yes, we have to do it if you’re already working here, but we don’t have to offer it before you start.” It’s something that would be appropriate to raise and negotiate as part of your offer. (And yes, the ADA does require them try to find an accommodation if it can be done without undue hardship; in this case, that might be a schedule that allows you to commute home before nightfall.)

5. Should I include union organizing work on my resume?

I am looking to move out of my current organization and maybe make a bit of a career shift. A lot of the skills and experience that would make me a strong candidate for many of the jobs I’m looking at are not from my current job itself, but from the work I do here as a union organizer and steward. I was a lead organizer in the union effort and then, once the union was authorized, a part of the bargaining committee for our first contract — so I developed and exhibited lots of communication skills, leadership, project management, negotiation skills, you name it.

I’m really proud of this work and would love to include it on my resume, but I imagine that most hiring managers wouldn’t be too keen on hiring a union organizer, especially if they thought I might try to also unionize my next workplace (and they wouldn’t necessarily be wrong to assume that). Is there a way to include this experience in my job applications? Maybe I save it for an in person interview, or mention just the bargaining committee work but not the organizing work, or somehow talk about the experience without mentioning that it was for my union…? Or is it safer to just leave it all off entirely, even if it means I may not appear as a of strong candidate?

Yeah, the organizing work in particular will hurt you with some managers, who won’t want to invite a union organizer on to their staff. Others won’t care and will see the value in the leadership skills involved. All else being equal, I’d leave the organizing work off; the bargaining committee work is safer to include, especially if you can frame it as working collaboratively with management rather than adversarially.

The other way to look at this is that maybe you’d be happy to screen out employers who’d have a problem with the organizing work … but that depends a lot on how in-demand you expect to be as a candidate.

A reader writes:

I’m a manager of a four-person team, on which I was previously an individual contributor. The four team members work in cubes in an open office area and my office is down a nearby hall. We’re a casual office, and the team generally gets along well. While each person has their own accounts and tasks, they interact with each other throughout the day, chatting and discussing work.

The issue is two members of the team, Peach and Daisy. Peach is very open with her mental health struggles and is an open book on most anything but can be emotionally volatile. Daisy, who sits next to Peach, tells me that Peach is constantly on an emotional rollercoaster. She says Peach complains often — about her life and about work. Peach is a single mom and often complains about being overwhelmed at home. She comments out loud if she’s having a bad day, doesn’t feel good, or if someone on another team annoys her. One minute she’s up and enthusiastic, and the next she is upset and complaining. In our one-on-ones, Daisy has said that she’s exhausted by the ups and downs and feels that she has to be Peach’s emotional support all day.

I have given Peach feedback in the past about keeping a positive attitude and leaving her problems at the door and as far as what I personally witness, she has improved. So the complaints from Daisy, while not completely surprising, are out of proportion to what I have observed since I don’t sit in the office with them all day.

I have encouraged Daisy to speak to Peach directly and tell her how the complaining is affecting her. I’ve suggested all three of us sitting down together so I can facilitate a conversation. Daisy has not been receptive to this but continues to complain to me.

I don’t want Daisy to be miserable but I’m unsure of the best way to tackle this. Do I sit down with Peach and discipline her in some way? Do I force Daisy to confront Peach, either with or without me? These two genuinely like each other and I’m sure we all would like to preserve the working friendship they have, but I don’t feel that I can let this go unaddressed.

I have a bunch of questions:

* Can you sit in their area for a couple of days so that you’re observing things firsthand? It sounds like you don’t think it’s as bad as Daisy is reporting, and this would give you more data to know for sure. You’d need to be open to the possibility that Peach might clean it up while you’re there — but it sounds like she might do this so reflexively that she couldn’t sustain that for a full day or two, and you could ask Daisy if her perception was different during that period.

* Can you rearrange how people are seated so that Peach is less disruptive? I’m guessing not, but you should absolutely try that if you can.

* Where are the other two team members in this? Do they disagree that Peach’s complaining is excessive? Are they not bothered because they don’t sit as close to Peach as Daisy does? Do they wear headphones so they don’t hear it? What’s their take on the situation?

* Can Daisy wear headphones at least some of the time to give herself a break?

* What exactly is Daisy hoping you’ll do? It’s worth asking her that directly. I don’t blame her for not taking you up on the facilitated conversation with you, her, and Peach — I probably wouldn’t in her shoes either — but if she’s refusing to address it with Peach herself but still complaining to you regularly, that’s not reasonable either. I’m interested in knowing exactly what she’d like you to do, and it’s worth asking her. (That doesn’t mean you should necessarily do whatever she says she wants. But you might get interesting insight from posing the question directly.)

If Peach’s complaining and emotional volatility is still excessive (which hopefully you can find out for sure with some sustained observation), you have a responsibility to the rest of the team to address it, because that’s exhausting to work around. But that’s not about disciplining her! It’s about having a discussion with her (maybe discussions, plural) where you establish better norms for working in close proximity to other people, including not dumping complaints on them or vocalizing more than occasional minor irritations. It’s appropriate for you to coach her on that as her manager, and for the sake of the rest of your team, you may have to.

One other thing: Daisy says she feels she needs to be Peach’s emotional support. That’s something you need to coach Daisy on, because the fact that she feels that way is making the problem worse. The problem is starting with Peach so you don’t want to put it all on Daisy, but Daisy needs to develop better coping strategies, which include getting comfortable with actively not being Peach’s emotional support. You probably need to coach her on specifically what that looks like, including things like not feeling obligated to respond at all when Peach is complaining.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Can we refuse a massage appointment for a sex offender?

I am a front desk coordinator in a clinic that is part of a large healthcare system. I schedule appointments and assist patients who come in to see providers of various departments, including massage therapy. Recently, I saw an alert about a patient who was scheduled to see a particular massage therapist that indicated he had been discharged from another clinic in the same healthcare system for sexual harassment. Part of my job is to review past appointments for patients, and I saw that in his written scheduling request, he self-identified as a convicted sex offender and described in explicit sexual terms what he “definitely would not be doing” to this provider, “so don’t worry.” As he was scheduled to come in later that day, I decided to alert the provider herself (a 20-something female, Anna), my supervisor, and the massage therapy clinic supervisor. I learned that they were already aware of the situation and were still planning to allow him to come in for his appointment while they consulted risk management and the legal team. The plan was to have another person in the room during the treatment (Anna’s supervisor, also a woman).

Anna and I have a friendly relationship (for reference, I am a woman close to retirement age), and she confided in me that she was very uncomfortable with the arrangement and was absolutely not going to provide the treatment. Her supervisor decided to cancel the appointment since they had not figured out the legal aspect, but clocked it as a “provider cancel” rather than “admin cancel,” which dings Anna’s compliance. After legal/risk were fully consulted, the clinic decided to allow this man to reschedule and come in, as long as they put in place a “behavior contract.”

He has not yet come back into the clinic, and Anna told me she would call in sick if he was on the schedule anyway, but I am deeply disturbed that it was even allowed to get this far. I am trying to decide if I should leave this alone or escalate this further. One one hand, Anna seems to have a good handle on it herself. On the other, after reading his explicit scheduling request message, I would feel extremely uncomfortable if he were to come in, as I would be the one checking him in. Am I wrong to feel like the clinic manager should have shut this all down from the get-go and banned this patient? Or at the very least banned him from seeing female providers? Are there really legal implications in health care for refusing to treat a patient that supersede the safety of myself, Anna, and our other coworkers?

Your health care system may have its own internal policies, but in general medical providers can refuse to provide treatment if a patient is abusive or threatening or puts their or their staff’s safety at risk. Massage therapists absolutely can decline to see patients whose behavior makes them uncomfortable.

If the clinic is open to having this man as a patient, they should ensure that the provider seeing them feels comfortable doing it — and they need to make it safe for the provider to say if they don’t (something Anna apparently doesn’t feel she can do). And even if Anna were comfortable with it, since he’s already sent a harassing message that you were subjected to, they should be giving everyone who might interact with him a veto. Realistically, businesses don’t always work like that — but Anna, at a minimum, should have the ability to opt out without being penalized (and this is true for all sorts of appointments, but particularly for one as intimate as massage therapy).

Can you talk to Anna again and urge her to be more assertive about not feeling comfortable taking this patient, and offer to lend your voice to hers if she does?

2. Applying for a job that my best reference might morally disagree with

I am on the West Coast, applying to work at Planned Parenthood. I really want this job!

My best reference, a former supervisor, has told me she will be a good reference for me, as we worked closely together for many years. I believe her, and I have always felt gratitude toward her for this.

However, I also know that she is a practicing Catholic, and I have no idea what her views are of Planned Parenthood. I would hope that she would still speak well of me, but I am worried about giving her a heads-up if I make it to the references stage. All of my other references are fine, but not nearly as high-quality or relevant as hers will be.

What do I do here? I don’t want to offend her or put her in an awkward position of choosing between faith and friendship, but I also really, really want this job, and her viewpoint is nearly identical to the manager who I would potentially have at the health clinic. (Note: this would not be a patient-facing role, but an administrative one.)

Just ask! “I’m applying for an administrative job at Planned Parenthood and wanted to make sure you’d be comfortable with me listing you as a reference.”

It might be a total non-issue for her (for all we know, she might support Planned Parenthood, or at least not have strong feelings about them), or she might be perfectly capable of separating her feelings about reproductive health care from the reference she gives you. But if she feels weird about it, this gives her a chance to tell you.

Related:
giving a reference when you have a moral objection to the employer

3. How can I get answers from unresponsive vendors?

Do you have suggestions on how to deal with third parties, typically vendors, who are not responding/acting in a reasonable timeframe?

I tend to spend quite some time on emails to make sure they are as clear as possible, but I notice that some third parties will answer only one out of three (clearly labeled) questions, or just not reply at all. Over the phone I have similar issues: some will rarely pick up the phone and if they do will commit to doing something that they will have forgotten to do if I call them again a week later.

What is a good way to get these third parties to work with you, especially in cases where it’s not possible to use a different third party? Does it make sense to keep calling them multiple times a day? Maybe give them feedback the way you would an employee? Ask for a different person to contact? These are typically vendors that couldn’t be swapped for another one without massive effort, and what we typically need support for is how a certain feature works or there’s something broken on their end that we need a fix for.

These are vendors, so they’re to some degree accountable for keeping you happy so they retain your business — or at least they’re supposed to be. In reality, your business may not be large enough for you to have much leverage, but you’re certainly entitled to expect a reasonable level of responsiveness, or that they’ll at least tell you if they’re not going to be able to give you the level of service you want.

The first thing to try is naming the problem for them: “I’m having trouble getting answers to call and emails, and often when we do hear back, only one question will be answered when we’d asked several. I’m also finding I have to follow up on things we agreed VendorCompany will take care of. Is there someone else I should be sending these requests to, or a different way I should be communicating them?” Sometimes just calling out the problem like that will put the person on notice that they need to step up their game.

But if that doesn’t work, it’s completely reasonable to ask for a different point of contact. You can either ask the problem person themselves to connect you with someone else, or you can go over their head and ask someone else.

4. Should I leave a job after one month for a better one?

I recently accepted a position with a nonprofit that works closely with a school. The job requires three days a week at the school, which is quite far from my home, and two days a week in an office closer to me. The salary is $55K, but the benefits are not great. Health insurance kicks in after 60 days (a bit expensive), and there are 15 vacation days, 5 sick days, and no personal days. The probation period is 6 months.

However, I’m also being considered for a position working directly for the school, which has significantly better benefits. The salary would range from $65K to $75K (closer to the higher end given my experience), and I would receive 50 vacation days, as I would get the same vacation as the students, including summers off and winter breaks. The health benefits are much better, and there are opportunities for raises based on both cost of living and merit. Additionally, there is room for career advancement in this role.

This second position would start in April, while the first job I’ve accepted begins in March. I’ve been unemployed for two months, and I’m dealing with personal challenges, including a recent family loss. Given my situation, I’m concerned about going without income for another month and the long commute to the nonprofit job.

If I were to take the first job and leave after a month, would that look bad in the eyes of employer? I don’t want to burn bridges. I don’t want to outright say that I found a better opportunity, but I’m considering explaining my personal circumstances (grieving a family member and concerns about health insurance since I have a neurological disorder) and the difficulty of the commute.

The first employer won’t be happy and it’s likely to burn a bridge with them in terms of future employment there, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it. It sounds like the second job is better for you all around, and you need to do what’s best for you (just as they would do what’s best for them when it comes to employing you!). You can apologize for the timing and say it fell in your lap and both the salary and the health insurance were too good to pass up. You don’t need to mention anything personal beyond that.

Related:
how do I tell my brand new job I’m leaving for a better offer?

5. Why can supervisors be prohibited from discussing wages and working conditions, when employees must be allowed to?

You mentioned in a recent column that it is not illegal for supervisors to be barred from discussing working conditions (and salary too).

Why is that? How did it become the law that supervisors are exempt from the right to discuss salary and working conditions? And what are the potential consequences for supervisors who do engage in these activities?

It’s because the law in question — the National Labor Relations Act (NLRA)— was formed mostly to protect unions and unionizing, although it extends those protection to less formal organizing among employees. The NRLA generally excludes supervisors from voting in union elections or being represented by unions; the idea is that it’s hard for managers to truly act in the best interests of employees if those interests differ from management’s, and they might feel pressure from above to vote against employees’ interests or wishes.

The law defines supervisors as anyone “having the authority, in the interest of the employer, to hire, suspend, lay off, recall, promote, discharge, assign, reward, or discipline other employees, or responsibly to direct them, or adjust their grievances, or effectively to recommend such action, if in connection with the foregoing the exercise of such authority is not of a merely routine or clerical nature, but requires the use of independent judgment.”