I’m off for the holiday. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. My coworker calls me his “work wife”

A couple of months ago, I joined a new team at work, in a role that is somewhat isolated from the rest of the group. So I was glad when another junior staff member who had joined the team a bit earlier reached out and showed me the ropes. As we grew more friendly, we also started sitting next to one another (our office has open seating with no assigned desks), and chatting occasionally during the day. Our remarks were always casual, and though they were not strictly work-related, we never discussed deep or personal topics. So, I was surprised when one day, he began referring to me as his “work wife.”

At first, it was simply in reference to that fact that someone had sat at the desk I usually claimed, breaking up our “marriage.” But in the next few days, he repeated the comment a couple times, once to another colleague. The term “work wife” makes me uncomfortable as it overstates our relationship, and may have a dubious connotation. As a young woman, I worry that it may undermine my professionalism. On the other hand, this colleague uses the term so casually that I don’t think he means anything by it. He is also on my level and does not work on any of the same projects as me, so there is no threat to my performance here.

Am I right to find the term “work wife” strange or is it actually commonly accepted? Either way, how do you think I should proceed here? I don’t want to alienate one of my only friends on my team by bringing this up as some kind of big problem or having a serious talk, but I would rather not deal with these comments.

It’s a common enough term (along with “work husband” and “work spouse”) to refer to someone at work who you’re close with and get along with uncommonly well (and can be same sex or opposite sex), although it sounds like he’s using it where the relationship doesn’t really warrant it. Either way, though, you don’t have to like it and you’re allowed to tell him to stop.

It would be fine to say something to your coworker like, “Hey, I don’t love that term. Let’s just say ‘coworkers.’”

– 2018

2. Can I talk to my boss about how she’s treating my coworker?

A colleague of mine — let’s call her Sarah — just got promoted to the level of supervisor, moving above myself and two other colleagues. This was a bit of a surprise to us all. Sarah hasn’t had any management experience, and she’s clearly trying to feel out her role. We all used to be very good friends when we were at the same level, but now that she’s a supervisor, she’s doing her best to be an appropriate and respectable authority. I’m not new to a change like this, so I’m trying to give her the gravitas she seems to crave at the moment.

However, one of the people still at my level — let’s call her Heather — is really struggling. She is relatively new to our office and for most of her time here, she and Sarah have been good friends, and now the power dynamic has changed. Additionally, Sarah is coming down hard on Heather. I’m not privy to their conversations, but it’s very clear that Heather is just not doing anything right by Sarah, and Sarah is hounding Heather about every finite detail of her work. It’s really creating animosity in the office.

Is there any way to speak to Sarah about this? I value Sarah’s work and her effort — she does a good job, and she deserved to get this position. But by puffing her chest and trying to establish herself as an authority, her subordinates (me included) are losing faith in her actions. Is there a way to speak with Sarah, on the level, and let her know that she needs to find a new approach?

Well … it’s actually possible that there are real problems with Heather’s work, and that Sarah’s oversight and feedback to her is appropriate. That’s something you wouldn’t necessarily know.

But it’s also true that it’s common for new managers to struggle with authority and be either too lenient or too hard on people. Of course, talking about that might not go well with someone who’s already getting hung up on “I’m now the boss and demand respect.”

But if you have pretty good rapport with Sarah, you might be able to frame it not as “hey, you’re being too hard on Heather” (because you don’t actually know that) but as “this is being perceived in a way that’s freaking people out.” For instance: “I’m glad you got this promotion; you deserved it. I want to let you know that I’m getting the sense the team is starting to worry about what’s going on with you and Heather because it seems like you’re coming down really hard on her. I know we don’t know everything that’s going on, but the pieces that we can see are making people worry that you’re being too harsh. I’m not suggesting that you need to change that; for all I know, it could be perfectly warranted and that’s not information I would be privy to. But I wanted you to know how it’s being perceived, in case you didn’t intend that or don’t want that.”

When you say this, your tone shouldn’t be “you need to change this.” You want it to convey “I respect you and this is your call; I’m just giving you information that might be helpful to you.”

– 2017

3. Two employees don’t want to share anything from their continuing education classes

I am the director of a department over approximately 15-20 individuals who almost all hold professional licenses. These licenses have to be renewed annually (typically 20 hours or so of CEUs). We have a policy in place stating that we are happy to pay for your required CEUs, but ask that you give a brief overview of your course/ seminar upon your return.

Two of my employees have scoffed at this and asked that we remove the policy. They state that they do not have the time do get a presentation together and present it on top of their regular work. I stated that we aren’t asking for a PowerPoint presentation, just a brief “please tell your colleagues (not the entire organization, only a handful of people) what the conference/ seminar was about and how it might help us at this organization.” I stated it could be nothing more than a few minutes either during the weekly meeting or maybe a lunch and learn type thing.

They are still rebelling. They stated that they would rather pay for the CEUs themselves and take a vacation day than have to give any presentation. I’m inclined to still enforce the policy and pay for the classes 1) out of consistency to everyone and 2) because their work (intellectual or otherwise) does technically belong to us. Am I being too stubborn? Isn’t it fair to ask any employee to briefly tell their boss what they learned at a seminar? These employees between work 8-4:30 Monday through Friday. They are rarely asked to work over or on the weekends. Both are good at their jobs, but never go above or beyond.

No, you’re not being too stubborn. What you’re asking for is reasonable and really normal, and you’re entitled to hold firm on it. But first, talk to them and see if you can find out more about what’s at the root of their objections. Make sure that they understand that you’re just asking for an informal few minutes at a regular meeting, and that it shouldn’t require more than a few minutes of prep time. If they do understand that, say this: “I’m having trouble understanding why you object to this, since it isn’t a significant time commitment. Can you help me understand what you find objectionable about this?”

If they still don’t want to do it and can’t explain why, it’s reasonable for you to say, “This is something that we ask of all employees who do CEUs, and it’s part of collaborating with colleagues. So I do want you to do it, but if you have trouble figuring out what you’d like to share, let me know and we can brainstorm together.”

Read an update to this letter here.

– 2017

4. My office posted “no complaining” posters

My workplace recently put up these posters around the office in an attempt to… Well, I guess their hope is to improve morale in the long run. I find it condescending, but I’m not sure if that’s fair or if the generally low moral here is clouding my judgment.

The posters say: “The No Complaining Rule: Employees are not allowed to mindlessly complain to their coworkers. If they have a problem or complaint about their job, their company, their customer, or anything else, they are encouraged to bring the issue to their manager or someone who is in a position to address the complaint. However, the employees must share one or two possible solutions to their complaint as well.” Then there’s a graphic of two people holding a sign that says “stay positive.”

What are your thoughts?

Yeah, it’s ridiculously inept and a bit patronizing. If there’s a morale problem where people are doing a lot of complaining, you fix that by addressing whatever the underlying causes are, not by trying to silence people. And I’m on board with “hey, you should talk to people who can actually change the thing you’re complaining about,” but the effective way to convey that to people is by talking to them one-on-one and showing you’ll giving them a fair hearing, not by posting juvenile signs. (And really, you can’t ask employees to act like adults while simultaneously posting childish signs to communicate with them.)

I’m also a fan of encouraging people to share solutions to problems, but not every problem can be solved at the employee level.

On top of all that, this runs afoul of the National Labor Relations Act, which makes it illegal for employers to prohibit employees from talking to each other about working conditions.

– 2017

5. Does a fast rejection mean I did something wrong?

I’m a freelancer who’s been struggling to transition back to more traditional employment. I have a lot of anxiety about my employability —my field is very competitive. But I’m proud of the work I’ve done.

I recently applied to a dream job. It’s for a company I’ve done freelance work for. I have a good relationship with the person I’ve done work for there. I know and respect a lot of people at the company. I know I’d be great at the job. I asked around to make sure it wasn’t a job they already had someone in mind for but had to post an ad for anyway. It’s not the first time I’ve applied to this same company — it’s somewhere I’d really like to work. So I thought I’d covered all of my bases.

I got a rejection email three days after submitting my application. The job posting only went up less than two weeks ago, and it’s still up. I’ve gotten a lot of rejections over the years, but this was by far the fastest. The position didn’t get filled.

I feel like I must have done something horribly wrong to have been rejected that quickly. I have no idea what it could be. Is there some way I could find out? A rejection is a rejection — I have no interest in challenging it. But if I did something in my application bad enough to warrant such an immediate response, I don’t want to do it again. Does this mean I shouldn’t apply to the company again? What can I do? What should I do?

Some rejections do get sent that quickly and it doesn’t mean that you’ve done anything wrong or that you’re horribly unqualified. Sometimes there’s just a particular qualification they’re looking for where you’re not as competitive, and that’s not always clear from the ad. Sometimes the person doing the initial screening isn’t as aligned with the hiring manager as they should be about what they’re looking for. Sometimes they’ve screened you previously and determined you weren’t quite right then, and are sticking with that decision now even if they shouldn’t. And sometimes it can even be a mistake. (But on its own, three days doesn’t mean anything. Employers typically know if they’re rejecting you within about a minute; rejections take longer simply because they’re not reviewing applications daily or they wait a polite amount of time before sending the notice.)

But since you know people there and have worked with them before, there’s no harm in sending a note to a contact who you’d talked to about the job, saying something like, “I wanted to let you know I did end up applying for the X position. I got a note pretty quickly saying I wasn’t being considered, which is disappointing but I’m sure you have lots of great candidates. In any case, thanks for talking with me about it!” That way, if the person feels strongly you should be given more consideration, they have the opportunity to raise that internally.

– 2020

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. A medical tech repeatedly proselytized to me

An experience I had recently with a medical provider has me wondering if what I felt to be inappropriate and unprofessional is a behavior worth raising with my doctor, who owns the practice.

I live in area of the south where most people assume that everyone is Christian and believes in God — the kind of place where wishing someone “Happy Holidays” is likely to result in a tonally aggressive reply of “Merry Christmas.” Usually I let religious speak in various businesses just roll off me.

I recently underwent TMS treatment for chronic, major depression. As part of that, I received 36 treatments that required me to go to my psychiatrist’s office every weekday for five-minute sessions with one of the techs. Early in the treatment, the tech would reference God and how he helped her, and I just let it ride and wouldn’t engage. But by the final two weeks, she escalated to asking me about my own beliefs. I eventually told her I’m not religious. She spent the next few sessions telling me that if I would just let God into my life, that would make all the difference. I expressed discomfort with the topic (clearly and directly), but she persisted.

So my question is whether this is worth mentioning to the psychiatrist on my next visit. This is most definitely not a religiously-affiliated practice. Part of me feels terrible about the idea of getting her in trouble. I do believe she meant well. Plus, I have to go to the office every few months and will likely encounter her as she is in the front office when not administering treatments. So that could be awkward. But I’m also highly annoyed that I was repeatedly proselytized to while essentially a captive audience. What do you think? Would you want this behavior reported to you if it were your employee?

Without any doubt whatsoever, I would strongly want to know about it! In fact, I would be horrified if I found out this had been going on and no one had told me. Hopefully your doctor feels the same way.

The tech is representing the medical practice and the doctor; she’s not there to proselytize, and you’re not there to be proselytized to. It would be wildly inappropriate under any circumstances, but the fact that she persisted after you asked her to stop makes it even worse.

Tell your doctor what happened. Say it was frequent and persistent, and she didn’t stop after you asked her to, and say that you don’t come there to be proselytized at.

2. My boss thinks our obnoxious, racist coworker is funny

My workplace has become increasingly toxic due to poor management and enabling of inappropriate behavior. Our manager is a bully who operates by singling out team members while cultivating favorites and gossiping about colleagues. Her current favorite is Ryan, a 25-year-old man in his first professional role who has been with the team for two years. While Ryan is fundamentally a nice person, he lacks professional maturity. The rest of the team consists of women at least twice his age, some of whom actively encourage his behavior because they want to be in his good graces.

Because Ryan is protected by our manager, he faces no consequences for increasingly disruptive behavior:
* Constant crude humor (fart jokes throughout the day)
* Physical pranks (lowering colleagues’ chairs while they’re working)
* Graphic discussions of his sex life
* Showing explicit images to female colleagues
* Making racist and anti-immigrant comments

When I’ve tried to address this, some colleagues tell me I’m being “uptight” and that he “improves the vibe.” Our manager witnesses much of this behavior and either laughs along or gives him minimal warnings. I’m concerned that making a formal complaint will result in workplace retaliation, both from the manager and from colleagues who see Ryan as popular.

How can I professionally address his behavior without isolating myself or becoming a target?

How’s your HR? Ideally you’d report what’s happening to HR (meaning both Ryan and your manager) and specifically say that you’re concerned about retaliation from your manager and coworkers for reporting it, and ask them to take clear steps to ensure that doesn’t happen. Legally, they’re obligated to do that; permitting a manager to retaliate against an employee for making a good-faith report of harassment or discrimination is illegal — and employment lawyers will tell you that retaliation can be a lot easier to prove than harassment or discrimination is. But companies break the law in this area all the time, so you’d want to have some idea of how your company’s HR handles things.

If HR isn’t an option, the other option is to call it out in the moment and not be deterred by coworkers saying you’re too uptight. Sample language:
* “I don’t want to hear about your sex life. Please stop talking about it.”
* “Don’t use language like that around me.”
* “That’s an awful thing to say.”
* “You could hurt someone doing that, and you’re putting the company at legal risk.”
* “If you show me photos like that again, I’ll ask HR to tell you to stop.”
* “This is getting really boring.”

But there’s no way to push back on Ryan that guarantees you won’t become a target yourself, particularly with the sort of manager you described. Can you work on getting out of there?

For what it’s worth, I’m pretty skeptical that Ryan is a nice person.

Related:
how to deal with a racist coworker
is it worth going to HR about a bad manager?

3. When the reference-checker is an employee I fired

At a former job, two employees on my team were Philip and Elizabeth. Elizabeth’s work was okay, but she was a toxic personality and I ended up terminating her employment. (There is of course more to this story but it isn’t relevant to my question.) Philip and Elizabeth were peers and I believe got on fine. Philip was a great employee. He and I have since also both left for other companies.

Philip reached out asking me to be a reference for a new job, and I am very happy to do so. However I just heard from the recruiter with his potential new employer and the person they want to set me up to talk about Philip with is Elizabeth, who now works there. I fired her not quite two years ago, and I absolutely do not want to talk to her. Nor can I imagine she’d want to talk to me. And I don’t want to harm Philip’s chances. He knows I fired Elizabeth but not any specifics.

What do I do? I’m leaning toward telling the recruiter I’m happy to recommend Philip but Elizabeth and I have a negative history. But obviously this employer must like Elizabeth so I’m concerned anything I say will reflect badly on Philip. Tell Philip he should find another reference? Help!

I agree with your instincts! Tell the recruiter that you enthusiastically recommend Philip but that you have a complicated history with Elizabeth, having worked together in the past, and so you wonder if there’s someone else there who you could offer the reference to instead.

If the recruiter says Elizabeth is the only option — well, ideally you’d suck it up and do it … but if you think that’s likely to harm Philip’s chances, then at that point you should lay it out for him and ask how he’d like to handle it. Sample language for that: “I’m happy to give anyone who asks a glowing reference for you but, between the two of us, there’s some tension between Elizabeth and me, and I don’t want that to hurt your chances at this job. Would you like me to go ahead and talk to her, or would you rather give them someone else to speak to?”

4. Does “don’t take a counteroffer” apply when both offers are internal?

I really appreciated the post that gathered all of your advice on counter offers together in one place! I’ve been curious whether your advice changes when the second offer is an internal one?

How do you approach things when you’ve been holding out for and/or been promised a promotion or a new role
that’s taking forever to materialize — but accepting an interview (or getting an offer, keep your fingers crossed for me!) in another department gets your current leader to make the dangled promised position materialize? Do the same principles apply as when it’s two companies vying for you?

A lot of the same principles apply: you still want to ask yourself why it took you being ready to leave for your manager to get it together for you, and whether it’ll be a similar battle to get other things you’ve earned in the future. And the same caveats apply about making sure they’re really going to follow through on their promises, not resume dragging their feet once the immediate crisis of you leaving is averted. The piece that can be different is that your company is less likely to see you as “disloyal” (a ridiculous concept regardless) — but you should weight the other factors pretty heavily.