It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. Poop emoji in a rejection email

I enjoy jokes at work, and am partial to self-deprecating humor, but recently I got a rejection email from a company that has a grinning poop emoji in the subject line.

Am I crazy for thinking that emoji just doesn’t belong in any bad news email — especially one that people can take personally or can be hard to hear, like a rejection? The job market sucks right now.

To be fair, they’re a company that does overtly use potty jokes in their marketing communications and even in the HR materials I read, so I wasn’t wholly surprised to see it, but it seemed, well, tacky. I don’t need an emoji to find the 💩 in that email!

Am I out of touch? Does consistent corporate branding take precedence over a bit of respect? Should I be grateful to even get so much as an automated poop emoji from companies these days? I spent over an hour applying for that job on my weekend!

You’re not out of touch. A poop emoji doesn’t belong in a rejection email. It’s making light of a message that the recipient is likely to take far more seriously and might be deeply disappointed by. It’s just the wrong tone for the message.

It’s does make it better that it’s from a company that has built a lot of their marketing materials around potty jokes (is this a poop-related company?! I must know) because it’s consistent with their branding — but even so, it doesn’t belong in a rejection email, just like it wouldn’t belong in a message they were sending announcing an employee’s death (obviously that’s much further along the continuum of insensitive messaging, but it’s still part of the same continuum).

To be clear, some people might enjoy it! But enough won’t that whatever’s gained by it is outweighed by what’s lost. 💩

2. Is it rude to ask people to move when hot-desking?

I work for a hybrid organization that hot-desks. Each team has a core day when they must be in the office. Desks are set up in sections and teams usually sit together in “their” section on their core day. Sitting with my team is what makes in-office days valuable because of the collaboration.

Recently I came in on our core day to find someone else sitting in our section, but there was still enough space for my team. Another person from their team came to join them (not enough space anymore) and I asked that person if they could sit somewhere else, since my team would be in and sitting there. They said sure and went over to a different section.

My manager then told me that I couldn’t tell people to move and because my team gets in later in the morning because they have kids, they have to just deal with whatever desks they can get and that she would be really annoyed if someone asked her to move when they got in later than her.

For me personally, I wouldn’t be bothered if I was in a team’s section on their core day and they asked me to move so they’d have enough seats. Am I off-base here? Is it inappropriate/rude to (politely) ask someone to move so your team can sit together when hot-desking?

Important info: I’m at the same level as the person I asked to move. The desks are not all set up the same; our section is set up according to my team’s needs and the other sections aren’t (and we’re told to just request the office managers set them up if we need to use another desk). They weren’t using the specific set-up of our section.

I don’t think it’s particularly rude in a vacuum, but it depends on the culture of your organization. In offices where desks are first come, first served and you can’t reserve desks for others, it might feel rude. In other orgs, it would be no big deal, particularly since the desks you were claiming were set up in a specific way for your team (and particularly if you explained that).

Since the feedback came from your manager, I’d figure she’s probably right about the general expectations in your particular org — although who knows, it’s also possible these are just her personal feelings and most other people there don’t care.

3. Can I exercise at my desk in an open office?

I’ve started to develop knee problems over the last few years, and have been advised to focus on strengthening the muscles around my knees to prevent further problems. Some of the recommended exercises are simple and low-impact enough that I can do them while sitting at my desk (like repeatedly extending my leg straight out from a seated position). However, I’m a bit self-conscious about doing them at work in the open office where the desks are not enclosed. I generally try to do them when nobody is close enough to see to avoid distraction, but am curious whether this is generally considered acceptable since I haven’t seen others doing it. How would you approach this?

The big things you want to think about are (a) whether you’re going to look like you’re not focused on work for long stretches and (b) whether you’ll create a lengthy visual distraction for people around you who are trying to focus.

Something like repeatedly extending your leg while seated should be fine to do, even in an open office (as long as you’re not going to, like, trip someone who’s passing by). If your leg mostly remains under the desk and you’re still in your chair, exercise away. Things that would be more of an issue in many offices: your leg on the desk, you on the floor, martial arts stances.

4. When in an interview process should I ask about working remotely?

I graduated last year and I just landed an interview for a research position I really, really want. It’s a term-limited role for two years, and I’m planning on using it to my advantage when applying to graduate schools if I get an offer. The research fits into the specialty I studied during my undergrad, and as a bonus, it seemingly pays better than other research positions offered by other universities. (That’s not to say it pays particularly well — but this is to be expected for American universities facing funding crises under the current administration.)

The problem is the commute. The commute is 1 hour and 20 minutes one-way on a good day. I was offered the interview so I’ll go, and I’m pretty sure if I get a job offer from them, I won’t get a better one from anyone else because other universities are at a similar distance to me and pay less. (I don’t have any other offers at the moment, so this point is moot.) I felt comfortable applying to this position since it was advertised as a hybrid role, so I figured I could work from home and head in a few times a week, but I learned from the initial phone interview that they plan on making it a fully on-site role in the future.

But regardless of whether the position is on-site or hybrid, a lot of my duties can be done remotely. How and when should I bring this up, and is there a way to negotiate for me to work the schedule I’d prefer? I thought I might have some leeway because it’s a limited role, I won’t get opportunities for advancement because it’s intended for people taking a gap year, and it was advertised as a hybrid role.

I really liked the project manager from the phone screen I had with her the other day, but I don’t want to waste their time in case I can’t do the commute. That’s the only thing that would prevent me from taking this job. I’d move, but at the moment, I have no money since I’ve been unemployed and living at home since I graduated. Do I have any options?

If this weren’t a two-year, term-limited role, I’d tell you it’s a bad idea to try this because even if they agree to full-time remote, they could end up concluding it’s not working for them and you have to come in after all, or it could lead to you not getting the same opportunities and consideration as other people who are there on-site. Frankly, I’d still have some of those concerns; it’s two years, not two months, and that’s plenty of opportunity for things to go wrong. More on that here.

If being on-site is absolutely a dealbreaker, though, you can certainly ask about it. I’d do it sooner rather than later so that you don’t waste your or their time going through their process if it’s not something they can be flexible on. You could say, “I’m really excited about the position but because I’m about 90 minutes away it would be tough to work on-site five days a week. Would you be open to keeping the role hybrid?”

But also … if you’ve been unemployed since you graduated and aren’t feeling great about other prospects, moving closer to this job might be the most practical thing to do.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My coworker is constantly on loud phone calls when I need to focus

I am a researcher at a university, and I share bench space with another person from a different lab. They tend to be extremely loud and constantly on phone calls, either work-related or personal ones. It’s usually not a big deal if colleagues or advisors come in to talk a bit of research, but her calls go on forever as she’s either interviewing others or taking work calls. And my research includes a lot of reading and writing, for which this has become an unsuitable environment.

I’ve expressed to her multiple times that she should take calls elsewhere and it’s met with either, “Where though? There’s no conference room free” or being ignored. It’s not really my job to find her one and I think it’s basic decency to not come into a shared workspace if she’s constantly on calls with a booming loud voice such that my noise-cancelling headphones are deemed useless. How do I address this without going to my manager, who already has a lot on their plate as a new manager?

You have clashing needs for the space, but that doesn’t mean that her needs are wrong, just incompatible with yours. It’s reasonable for her to figure she can make work calls in her assigned workspace. If she’s making a lot of personal calls on top of that, that’s inconsiderate — but it sounds like much of this is about her work conversations and if she’s right that there’s no other obvious place for her to make them, that puts both of you in a bind.

I know you’d prefer not to take this to your manager, but that’s really the right next step — your workspace isn’t working well for your needs (because you need quiet for deep focus and your colleague needs to produce almost constant noise). Explain that and ask if you can move to a different space.

2. I don’t want to give a reference to someone who’s posted crappy things on Facebook

A decade ago at a former job, I hired an employee with no experience managing affordable housing, but with transferrable skills. She shared her experience with domestic violence and resulting homelessness and she talked about how she could relate to someone’s situation not defining their future. During her tenure, her family experienced additional trauma, and she cited the generous leave and other supports the org gave as being helpful for her family’s healing. When she outgrew her role and started looking for a new job in a different industry, I gave her a glowing reference and offered to do so again if the new job didn’t work out. She friended me on Facebook, we did the normal liking of each other’s posts, but didn’t connect otherwise. In the eight years since she left, she’s texted me twice to tell me she put me down as a reference for a job. Both times, the job called me the same day and I gave positive references.

About a year ago, I started noticing her Facebook posts were mocking people who use the social service system. I didn’t engage, just unfriended her. Last week, she sent a text telling me she used me as a reference again. Before I could even think about how I was going to respond to her, the potential employer (who also happens to support defunding most social services) called. I just ignored the request. Over the week, she followed up and tried to reach me through various social apps and called a shared former colleague. The only thing she hasn’t done is reach out to me at my job where I’ve worked for the past five years – I don’t think she knows I work here.

I should have just told her I don’t feel comfortable being a reference since we don’t know each other anymore. But at the same time, who just gives old numbers without checking in with the reference? Is there a time limit on reference giving? How could I have handled this situation better?

A surprisingly high number of people offer up references without checking in with the reference, and just assume that a previous “yes” lasts forever. (And actually, a surprisingly high number of people offer up references without even getting the initial “yes.”) They should check in — because you could be dead or living with wolves in a forest or otherwise unreachable, or you might feel too much time has gone by to still be able to give a nuanced reference, and also because if you’re not prepared for the call, you might draw a blank on details when asked for information. But despite that, a lot of people still don’t.

Ideally when she texted you, you would have told her you didn’t feel well positioned to still provide a reference for her. It’s up to you whether you wanted to explain why (personally I would have, but you’re not required to; she made her own bed) or just tell her too much time had passed for you to recall sufficiently useful details. But ignoring the request also sends a message that isn’t unwarranted, given this particular set of circumstances.

3. Is managing AI agents the same as managing people?

I’m attending a tech industry conference for work, which is of course overwhelmingly centered around AI agents and tools. One of the speakers said that a first-time manager may be a manager of AI agents instead of people. It seems like this would set a lot of first-time managers up to fail when they eventually manage real people.

I wondered what your thoughts were on this perspective. Have you seen or heard others implying managing AI agents and managing people is equal?

No! And that is bananas. That’s like saying that managing a garden is the same as managing people, or that managing an equipment fleet is the same as managing people. Managing AI may be a particular skill set, but it is not the same skill set as managing humans. AI agents aren’t going to (or at least aren’t supposed to) get sick, be cranky, take something personally, be defensive, feel they need more appreciation, or any of the other many, many characteristics and challenges that come with managing people. (I was going to say they also aren’t going to have their own independent agendas, but that’s apparently not true.)

4. Coming in as a new manager to an existing team

I work in a hospital as deputy manager of a large administrative team. I have been offered a new role in the hospital on a 12-month contract to cover maternity leave. This will be a step up to manager with my own deputy. The new team does the same work for a different healthcare specialty, so my skills are transferable.

It’s important to me to be an effective people manager. To do this, I need to know about each person. What are their strengths and areas for improvement? Are they looking for development opportunities? How do they prefer receiving feedback?

Should I ask the deputy for an overview of each person? What their current goals are, what their current 1-1s are focusing on, are they undergoing sickness or performance management? Or should I be forming my own opinion without asking the deputy for their views? Also, what questions could I ask in my first 1-1 with each team member?

Yes, you should ask the deputy for an overview on each person. You’ll form your own opinions based on your own observations, but it’ll help you get up to speed faster to hear their perspective too.

When you do initial one-on-ones with each team member, I find it helpful to ask things like:

• What are the most important things for you to achieve this year? Are you on track to doing that? Are there milestones to meet on the way? What things are you worried might get in the way?
• What’s your most pressing project this week / this month? (Follow-up questions should stem naturally from this — about context, timeline, steps, etc.)
• What would help you do your job better? Any obstacles you’re encountering that you need help with?
• Is there anything I should know about how you like to work?
• What’s worrying you most right now with your work?

5. Is this job opening a scam?

I recently (as in, an hour ago) applied to a local landscaping job — one that actually pays fairly generously for the level of work. As soon as I hit “apply” (this was an Indeed posting), I got an automated message from them inviting me to call and set up a remote interview.

Within half an hour, I received both text messages and phone calls from the company. The text message asked if I was available for a quick call; the phone call was shunted to my voicemail because I was driving and they did not leave a message.

I’ve been applying to jobs for a year and I hardly ever get so much as an email telling me I’ve been rejected. All of this seems very fishy, at the least. And I’ve seen three one-star reviews for the company on Google (which were all left without any accompanying text) which the owner responded to saying that they had been applicants. Am I wrong to think that something feels very wrong here?

Yes, it’s most likely a scam. It might not be; you could certainly do a call with them and learn more to be sure, but just follow normal anti-scam hygiene, meaning don’t give them your bank account details or other personal info until you’ve established they’re legitimate, don’t agree to deposit any checks for them, be skeptical if they “hire” you without a real interview, etc.

Related:
I received a job offer — and it was a scam

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I cry when people give me compliments

So … the subject line kind of says it all. I cry when people give me compliments. Not a “you look nice today” kind of compliment, but the sincere, drawn-out, vulnerable kind. I always have and I’m not sure why, other than maybe I’m just a Very Emotional Person, although I’m generally even-keeled and not prone to emotional outbursts.

I am a manager whose department is going through a reorganization, so I am switching teams and direct reports. I’ve worked with my current team for about three years and they are a wonderful group. I think I have very healthy boundaries, but also when you’ve been someone’s manager for three years, it’s hard not to develop some kind of attachment to them. People have shared very private and personal things with me, I’ve done what I can to support them through intensely difficult times, etc.

The transition phase for this reorg was deliberately a bit lengthy, so it’s been a very drawn-out goodbye. At the last couple of team retros, some of the team members have talked about what I’ve meant to the team, how much they’ll miss me, the impact I’ve had, etc. I cried both times. Then I’ve been doing a round of last 1:1s and one of my employees really opened their heart up about how much they’ve enjoyed working with me. And I cried then too.

I am glad to hear the feedback and happy to know that our working relationship was positive for them too. But I’m so mortified that I cry! And trust me, I do not have a pretty cry face (does anybody?). I wish I could just say, “Thank you, that means a lot” and get on with my life the way everyone else seems to. I’ve apologized for crying and told them I’m embarrassed, but they just say things like, “Don’t be embarrassed! It’s because you care so much that it’s emotional for you, and that level of care is what makes you such a great manager!” which has triggered more crying.

I don’t want to tell them to not express their appreciation. So maybe I should talk to a therapist about why I cry at compliments? Or just embrace the sensitive and sentimental side of myself? Or try really hard to disassociate when people give me compliments?

Aw, I think it’s okay that you’re crying in these situations. But you’re probably making it more awkward than it needs to be when you tell people you’re embarrassed by it, so I’d stop doing that. You can just say, “Thank you, that means a lot to me — as you can see!”

I’d be more concerned if you were crying in other situations, like when someone disagrees with you or you get difficult feedback, because that can make people reluctant to have those conversations with you in the future and can make it seem like you can’t handle pretty routine parts of professional life. But crying because someone has moved you with an expression of appreciation is a different thing.

I’m assuming you’re not, like, sobbing when this happens — if you are, then yes, that’s something worth talking with a therapist about. But getting a little teary? Totally fine in this context, and you might find it less embarrassing if you decide to just be matter-of-fact about it!

2. Was I wrong to say I’d miss a deadline if I was assigned more work?

I work at a small web development company with about 20 employees. I’m a regular employee, not a manager or even a senior employee. We work 32 hours a week but are paid for 35. We’re supposed to have Fridays off, but we need to remain available for “emergencies.” I have mixed feelings about this: since we’re paid for 35 hours, it’s hard to complain if we end up working three hours on a Friday, but it also means we can’t plan anything for that day.

From March through April, I was assigned to a stressful project with unrealistic deadlines. During those eight weeks, I worked at least 35 hours every week, and on two consecutive weeks I worked 40 hours. Any hours above 35 went into a time bank to be used later for appointments and such. I was doing my part to get the project delivered.

During the final week of the project, my project manager asked during a daily stand-up how she could support me through the end of the project. I replied, “Everything is on track. The only thing I need is not to be assigned additional tasks or projects until the go-live.” I probably added a nervous laugh too.

Two weeks after the project ended, I had my annual review with my manager, Fergus, who is also a developer. Fergus told me I shouldn’t have said that in the stand-up meeting. He said it was insensitive to say I didn’t want more tasks without knowing whether other employees were also working Fridays and overtime. I replied that I had answered honestly because that was genuinely what I needed, and that delivering the project successfully was my priority. He didn’t push the point further, and we moved on with the review.

This has stuck with me. Should I not say what kind of support I need when my project manager asks directly? That feels completely backwards to me. I don’t really know whether my coworkers were also struggling with their workload, but it’s not my responsibility to monitor that. I help when asked and I step in during stand-ups when I can contribute. Was this just Fergus, tired of working Fridays himself, projecting on me because I tried to assert myself?

Your wording seems fine to me. You weren’t saying, “You can’t under any circumstances assign me anything else.” You were saying, “Everything is on track as long as nothing additional gets added on to my plate; if it is, that would change my ability to make the go-live date.”

Is Fergus generally someone who nitpicks wording or has rigid expectations about how people should communicate? If not, I’d chalk this up to him being stressed during a period of high workload, or just a miscommunication where he thought you were refusing to take on anything else, not just explaining how it would affect the first project.

(Also, if you’re exempt, this pay set-up is legal, but if you’re non-exempt, they’re legally required to pay you for all the hours you work — so if you’re paid for 35 hours but work 40 hours, those hours need to be added to your paycheck, not banked for use later.)

3. A terrible singer in a volunteer choir

I’m part of a volunteer choir. While we perform, it’s non-audition so there’s a real focus on having fun. It’s a lovely, fun experience with one exception: one singer in the tenor section sings very loudly and very off-key (in the “peel the enamel from your teeth” fashion), to the point where when he sings I’ve genuinely seen people wince or jump at the sound. It’s like being ambushed by a turkey bashing at a xylophone.

He clearly knows that he sings loudly enough to bother other people but doesn’t particularly care about amending his behavior: he’s made jokes a few times to other people that he’s surprised he hasn’t driven them off with his volume. He also makes a point of coming to stand at the front of his section which – because of the layout in which we stand – means everyone is impacted; some of the alto/soprano parts have tactfully asked other tenors to try and get that seat so we’re not so impacted, but so far there have been no takers! (The impact of the sound is also enhanced by the fact that no one else in his voice part sings particularly loudly, so you only ever hear him.)

I’m sure he’s a perfectly pleasant guy and it’s not his fault if he’s tone-deaf, but the effect this is starting to have on the rest of us (plus the fact that he’s clearly aware there is at least some issue but doesn’t try to correct it) is really having a negative impact. It’s incredibly distracting when we sing together and is starting to affect people’s enjoyment of the choir. Multiple people have said it bothers them, and some even some said they don’t want to come anymore because of it. We suspect that our choir leaders over the years have been aware of this problem, because the tenors have been having far more generic, “let’s try singing that part again” coaching since Turkey Guy joined our ranks. However no leader has seemed to pull him up on this directly, most likely because we’re non-audition and people are never pulled up on “errors” for that reason.

Plenty of people sing rather imperfectly in our choir, but the off-key plus incredibly shrill volume is making this a double whammy. It’s impacting my enjoyment of the choir so much that I’m tempted to lay this out to our choir leader, say how much it bothers multiple people’s enjoyment of the group, and ask if it would be possible to suggest he tone the volume down. As this is a voluntary group though, I don’t know if there’s anything else I should take into account. Any advice?

Yes, you can do that! If it’s driving you and others to consider leaving the group, the leader should know that. You’re not making a demand; you’re saying, “This is affecting the enjoyment I get from participating, and since I’m at the point of considering leaving over it, I wanted to bring it to you and see if anything can be done.”

In general I’d try to avoid speaking for others — but if other people are telling you unprompted that they might leave over it, you’re allowed to reference that too, so the leader is aware it’s not just one excessively sensitive person.

The leader might choose not to do anything about it, but it’s information they should have. And really, dealing with this kind of thing is their responsibility; if it’s the first time a potentially awkward conversation has come up, they’ve been lucky.

4. Should I tell my boss to fire our new hire?

We just hired someone for my team who is, to put it lightly, not doing well. I work on a team of analysts who do a lot of technical writing for a niche industry. There are four levels, and he got hired at level three (so fairly advanced). But so far, he has:
1) failed to complete basic tasks on a reasonable timeline despite handholding from me, my boss, and another coworker,
2) provided work that is riddled with spelling and grammar errors and a lack of basic grasp of the technical concepts, and
3) often been unavailable during standard work hours and non-responsive to time-sensitive requests,
4) while exhibiting a real “I’ve got it, no worries” attitude.

I’ve given him kind but firm feedback when he messes up things that we work on together, and I’ve also been making pretty pointed comments to my boss about my concerns about his performance. My coworkers have expressed similar frustrations/concerns.

Should I straight up suggest to my boss that she should fire him? I’m worried about stepping over the line, but I’m also worried she won’t take action before his probationary period is over, and then we will be stuck with him (it’s very hard to fire people here once they’ve passed that mark).

It’s not overstepping to tell your boss that, having worked with the new hire closely, you don’t think he’s able to do the job that your team needs done. For example, you could say: “I’m concerned that Bob isn’t able to do the work we need from his position, even with feedback, and that if he stays past his probationary period, it will cause real problems for the team.” You could add, “I’d love to say I’ve seen improvement or the potential to improve, but everything I’ve seen so far makes me think that’s unlikely.”

5. Do I need to apologize for my email address?

I am an elder millennial born in 1988. I still use the email address I made up when I was 12 or 13. I have my birth year in my email. Let’s say it’s MyName88@fakename.com.

Recently I found out that the number 88 has an anti-semitic meaning. Had I known or ever heard of this, I would never have put it in my email. My fear was that the “88” in my email will be seen as a dog whistle to certain people. To rectify this, I have made a new email address and am slowly transitioning over to it. But sometimes I forget to use my new one.

I recently applied for a job using the old email address. Total accident — just an error in the slow email transition process. I made it through the first virtual interview and my next step is an in-person interview.

Should I bring up the 88 in my email address during the in person interview? I’d prefer not to dwell on this, but I value integrity too much to let a suspicion like that go uncorrected. I’d rather squash it now so we can move past it.

It’s extremely unlikely that anyone will think that; they’ll assume it’s your birth year or your graduation year or something like that (and I say this as a Jewish person). If you were giving off other signs that you were a giant asshole, then the “88” might be interpreted through that lens, but otherwise you’re fine and no one is likely to suspect you put the number there to let everyone know you hate Jews. You don’t need to bring it up (and shouldn’t).