It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. HR wants me to give someone a bad review they don’t deserve, to cover up HR’s own mistake

I am a manager for a small team of engineers. One of my direct reports was given a new role that was supposed to come with a promotion and pay bump this year. It turned out that our local HR did not have the authority to actually increase his payband and rebranded the new role as a “lateral move.”

Now reviews are due, and I am being told to artificially give another person on my team a bad review so that we can give a larger raise to the person who took on a new role.

It feels really bad and unethical to do this. Especially since this is all due to local HR making promises that they couldn’t keep. I am looking for any advice on how to proceed.

Whoa, yeah, that’s awful. It’s bad enough that they promised someone a raise that they can’t deliver on, but now they want you to give a bad review to someone who doesn’t deserve one so they can try to cover for their own mistake?

You should refuse to give the bad review. Say this: “I can’t ethically give someone a bad review that they don’t deserve. If there’s not enough raise money to go around, I can work with you to figure out the messaging on that, but I can’t give someone a bad review when they’ve performed well. Given that, how should we proceed with the dividing the salary increases?” If they keep pushing you, you should escalate this over their heads.

2. Company is cutting retirement benefits while giving extra money to employees’ kids

As you may know, starting in July parents and guardians will be able to open a new type of individual retirement account for kids under age 18 (the the 530A account); individuals and employers can contribute up to a total of $5,000 per child per year.

The Big Boss at our company announced that the company will contribute several hundred dollars per child for those born in a four-year time span (2025-2028) to full-time employees.

That’s great! We are a very large company with a fairly young demographic. However, we are also flush with middle-aged employees and no small amount of much older employees … and those older employees got dinged at least twice when the company stopped 401K matching and then brought the match back at a significantly lower level. When I asked HR about the match reduction equating to a reduction in compensation (along with increased insurance premiums and very reduced benefits; the company is self-insured) I was essentially told that’s just how it is.

We have also previously been given half-days off prior to certain holidays, adding up to three days, but they stopped that practice this year. I asked HR if we would receive additional compensation for that time and was told no.

We’re constantly told how the company is struggling and how we need to work harder, smarter while they cut back tangible benefits. And while I think working parents need all the help they can get, the contribution to these accounts for a select few without making comparable contributions to our 401K seems off balance. Your thoughts?

I’d have no problem with this if they hadn’t cut benefits for everyone, while then adding a new benefit that only goes to people with kids. Cutting contributions to retirement accounts for employees while investing money in employees’ kids’ retirement accounts — and increasing insurance premiums across the board — is not good. I don’t know that I’d lump the canceled half-days for holidays in there, but it’s understandable that taken all together, it feels awfully tone-deaf for them to be adding a new benefit that goes to non-employees while shortchanging their actual employees.

3. Conference attendee told me I looked “bored”

I work for an organization that runs a conference for a few hundred people each year. I play a variety of roles, from doing social media at the event, to running session logistics, to doing tech during conference-wise keynotes, etc. This year, the tech table with the laptop and soundboard were fairly near one of the projection screens. During one 90-minute event, I ran the Powerpoint, answered questions on my phone, and posted about the conference, all at the same time. It went off flawlessly, which was a huge relief because it takes a lot of planning.

Lo and behold, a conference attendee came up to me afterwards and told me how “bored I looked.” Um, okay? I’m a woman, so, is he essentially calling me out for having resting bitch face? I spent the rest of the conference extremely self-conscious about how my face looked, which was exhausting.

In the moment, I just politely laughed it off, which I feel like made him feel like he was right to say something. But this is also a rare instance that I have way more organization capital than this person, who is a partner but not an employee. What could have been a better response in the moment that stood up for myself and got him to back off?

“Nope, just really focused on running the program.”

Far too many men love to give women unsolicited input when they have no standing to offer it. Men, y’all need to cut this out.

4. Should I be offended by the ad for the job I’m leaving?

I work in an agency setting in public relations. I have consistently received positive reviews for my client work and have been promoted twice since I started seven years ago, but I haven’t been as successful with new business development, which is a prerequisite for my next promotion. I started job searching late last year and was just offered a job at a company where new business development is not a requirement for bonuses or advancement, so I gave my notice this week.

Yesterday our HR posted a job listing for my replacement and asked for me to share it if I knew of any good candidates. My eyes popped out of my head a little bit when it said they were looking for someone with 2-5 years experience. Does it reflect badly on me that they think they can replace me today with someone who has even less experience than I did when I joined the firm seven years ago? If so, I don’t want to share it, obviously. I have a handoff meeting next week with HR and would like to be able to respectfully address it if it is a reputational problem for me.

It’s not an insult to you. It could be that they’re switching up the role a bit and have reasons for wanting to bring someone in at a more junior level, or they could be ignorant about what it takes to perform well in the job, or they could be open to a wide range of candidates and that’s the minimum experience they’re looking for but not necessarily what the successful person will end up having.

You can certainly offer your feedback about their hiring plan, framed as, “For what it’s worth, I don’t think this is the profile of candidates who will be well-suited for the work; you’re likely to need some with more experience because of ___.” But avoid seeing it as a reflection on you; it’s more likely just HR being HR, in any of the ways described above.

And of course, you’re under no obligation to circulate the job description; that would be a favor to them regardless, and you can simply decline to.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I’ve run out of a patience with a rude coworker

I’ve run out of patience with a difficult coworker, Mary. I’m one of the few people who has to deal with Mary in person, and my work is closely tied with hers. She’s entry-level while I’m mid-level, but I’m not her manager or supervisor.

She has difficulty completing her work, which causes many problems for her. I have tried mightily to be her friend and mentor for the past few years, but her struggles continue. We’re locked in a difficult dynamic where I have to sit back and watch her flail, and I bear the brunt of her complaints. On a personal level, most people find her to be entitled, high maintenance, and impossible to please. She lashes out at people frequently, and today she stormed into my office following a completely normal interaction to call me rude, offensive, and dismissive. This is very common.

I’m not a confrontational person so I just take it on the chin and try to get on with my day. Over time, I’ve worked on being direct with her, setting boundaries, and learning how she wants to be communicated with. I’ve reported her to her manager and to HR multiple times, and she’s been put on performance improvement plans. Things improve for a time, then we’re right back in the same place.

Any advice to improve this situation? It’s impacting my work and my mental health. I’m worried that one day I’m going to snap and unleash years of frustration on her.

The biggest issue here is Mary’s manager, who apparently isn’t willing to deal with the situation in a way that gets it resolved. Putting someone on multiple performance improvement plans is ridiculous; the first one should have come with a clear statement that the improvement needed to be permanently sustained and if she backslid once it was over, they wouldn’t start the process all over again.

You’re limited in what you can do yourself, but at a minimum you can cut Mary off from constantly complaining to you and can leave the room if she’s being rude to you — and you should give up on trying to be her friend and mentor, because that’s not working and apparently just gets you more exposure to her rudeness (along with storming into your office). Stop trying to help someone who doesn’t appreciate it and is abusive to you.

You can also continue to report the issues you encounter with her to her boss and HR; make it less comfortable for them to keep ignoring the situation. And transfer the unpleasantness of dealing with Mary over to her manager as much as possible — meaning that if she’s not doing her work, rather than talking to her about it, take it to her manager (“I need X from Mary and don’t have it; can you please ensure I get it?”) and if she sends you rude messages, forward them to her boss with a note like, “Can you please address?” If you transfer the burden of dealing with Mary more to Mary’s boss, she might eventually be moved to act more decisively.

Related:
how to deal with a coworker who’s rude to you

2. “I forgive you” in a professional situation

I teach part-time at a university with ties to a Christian denomination, although I’m not Christian. The administration is pretty laid back, but the students are required to attend religious instruction/events weekly.

I made a remark in class within the context of the lesson that a student interpreted as meaning that I was applauding the fact that a police officer has been killed. In fact, I was indicating that the assailant had been caught.

The student walked out of class but did not make an issue of it. He came back and after class, he spoke with me alone and said he was very upset by what he thought he’d heard me say because his father was a police officer. I explained what I had meant and apologized that it came out incorrectly and that he had been upset by it. He responded, “I forgive you.”

I was taken aback by that and just thanked him. During the next class meeting, I apologized to the whole class and clarified what I had meant. No one else seemed to have noticed.

Part of what we teach in the classroom is professionalism. If the student had said he forgave me in a work context, I would have felt that was out of line. At a Christian university, I still didn’t think it was appropriate, but should I have told him not to say that in a workplace?

I talked with someone afterward who pointed out that “I forgive you” was heaps better than some other things the student could have said, which is true. He could done or said any number of other things that would have been problematic. Should I have instructed him — or the whole class without calling him out specifically — about how to accept an apology professionally?

I’d let it go. “I forgive you” would be weird in a professional setting, but you’re better off leaving the entire incident in the past rather than reopening it and risking him making a bigger deal out of it. This incident is just not well suited for turning it into a teachable moment, because it could backfire on you in ways you don’t intend.

For what it’s worth, I’m also not a fan of turning every small thing into a lesson about professionalism; sometimes the better part of professionalism is just giving people grace for not getting something quite right. You didn’t speak perfectly (it sounds like), he didn’t speak perfectly, and you can both allow for the other being a human who doesn’t always get things exactly right and just move on.

3. My old colleague recruited me for a job, then rejected me

Last summer I had lunch with a former colleague with whom I worked successfully for many years. She revealed that a) she’d been promoted to vice president of my former division and b) she wanted me to come back. I agreed, contingent upon the conditions of the return.

Months passed before she could create a position — this company is very bureaucratic — and when she did, it turned out the hiring manager was another former colleague with whom I worked successfully. He met with me privately to sell me on taking this new position, but there was a catch: I had to interview just like anyone else. I agreed.

Four interviews later, I was rejected for the job, the reason being that it was felt I was not quite ready for the position. I felt a little blindsided, yes, but my husband was furious and wondered why I was not. He said, “They asked you to return, they persuaded you to take the job, then they rejected you? They knew your abilities when they asked — what is wrong with them?” He thinks I have been ill used, and I might agree. Is my husband right, or is this just a normal, unfortunate situation?

I understand why you’re frustrated — they wooed you for the position — but it does sound like the hiring manager was straightforward with you that you’d need to compete for it and it wouldn’t just be handed to you.

That said, their reasoning of “you’re not quite ready for the role” is pretty aggravating since that’s something they should have been able to figure out earlier on in the process or — if it really didn’t become apparent until a specific role was created and you were interviewing for it, which is possible — they should have given you different feedback, more along the lines of “we were hoping this position would be a good match because of ABC but as we went through the process, we realized that it’s going to require someone with more XYZ.” And ideally the vice president who originally said she wanted you to come back should have reached back out to you to say something like, “This turned out not to be the right role, but I’d still really love to get you over here so let’s talk about what could be a stronger match.”

So I think fury is excessive, but it’s reasonable to be extremely irritated at how they handled it.

4. Applying for on-site jobs when I can’t drive at night

What are your thoughts on applying for hybrid jobs or jobs that don’t advertise as being remote when the commute could be an issue? I can legally drive at night, but I won’t because my vision is so poor that I am no longer comfortable doing it. In my mid-sized city, public transit is awful, so I can’t easily get anywhere with it.

The Job Accommodation Network seems to say the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) would cover the interactive process for your commute if you were already hired, but I’m not even 100% on that.

I can find places I’d like to work that are across the city (and I own a house, so moving isn’t an option), and I don’t want people to think I’m ignoring the rules just to ignore their return-to-office mandate (even though I do think it is dumb), but for example, a 40-minute drive to cross the city takes 2.5 hours via two buses and an hour walk to a corporate location that I’ve heard is awesome to work for, and I can name a lot of places like that. Otherwise I’m stuck to the downtown corridor which is fine, but that’s all banking (yuck … been there, done it, and no). I’m currently fully remote for a local downtown law firm but trying to stomach working for the next 30 years and unsure how to handle it.

Employers are required to make the same accommodations for potential hires that they’d make for existing employees; there’s no category of “yes, we have to do it if you’re already working here, but we don’t have to offer it before you start.” It’s something that would be appropriate to raise and negotiate as part of your offer. (And yes, the ADA does require them try to find an accommodation if it can be done without undue hardship; in this case, that might be a schedule that allows you to commute home before nightfall.)

5. Should I include union organizing work on my resume?

I am looking to move out of my current organization and maybe make a bit of a career shift. A lot of the skills and experience that would make me a strong candidate for many of the jobs I’m looking at are not from my current job itself, but from the work I do here as a union organizer and steward. I was a lead organizer in the union effort and then, once the union was authorized, a part of the bargaining committee for our first contract — so I developed and exhibited lots of communication skills, leadership, project management, negotiation skills, you name it.

I’m really proud of this work and would love to include it on my resume, but I imagine that most hiring managers wouldn’t be too keen on hiring a union organizer, especially if they thought I might try to also unionize my next workplace (and they wouldn’t necessarily be wrong to assume that). Is there a way to include this experience in my job applications? Maybe I save it for an in person interview, or mention just the bargaining committee work but not the organizing work, or somehow talk about the experience without mentioning that it was for my union…? Or is it safer to just leave it all off entirely, even if it means I may not appear as a of strong candidate?

Yeah, the organizing work in particular will hurt you with some managers, who won’t want to invite a union organizer on to their staff. Others won’t care and will see the value in the leadership skills involved. All else being equal, I’d leave the organizing work off; the bargaining committee work is safer to include, especially if you can frame it as working collaboratively with management rather than adversarially.

The other way to look at this is that maybe you’d be happy to screen out employers who’d have a problem with the organizing work … but that depends a lot on how in-demand you expect to be as a candidate.

A reader writes:

I’m a manager of a four-person team, on which I was previously an individual contributor. The four team members work in cubes in an open office area and my office is down a nearby hall. We’re a casual office, and the team generally gets along well. While each person has their own accounts and tasks, they interact with each other throughout the day, chatting and discussing work.

The issue is two members of the team, Peach and Daisy. Peach is very open with her mental health struggles and is an open book on most anything but can be emotionally volatile. Daisy, who sits next to Peach, tells me that Peach is constantly on an emotional rollercoaster. She says Peach complains often — about her life and about work. Peach is a single mom and often complains about being overwhelmed at home. She comments out loud if she’s having a bad day, doesn’t feel good, or if someone on another team annoys her. One minute she’s up and enthusiastic, and the next she is upset and complaining. In our one-on-ones, Daisy has said that she’s exhausted by the ups and downs and feels that she has to be Peach’s emotional support all day.

I have given Peach feedback in the past about keeping a positive attitude and leaving her problems at the door and as far as what I personally witness, she has improved. So the complaints from Daisy, while not completely surprising, are out of proportion to what I have observed since I don’t sit in the office with them all day.

I have encouraged Daisy to speak to Peach directly and tell her how the complaining is affecting her. I’ve suggested all three of us sitting down together so I can facilitate a conversation. Daisy has not been receptive to this but continues to complain to me.

I don’t want Daisy to be miserable but I’m unsure of the best way to tackle this. Do I sit down with Peach and discipline her in some way? Do I force Daisy to confront Peach, either with or without me? These two genuinely like each other and I’m sure we all would like to preserve the working friendship they have, but I don’t feel that I can let this go unaddressed.

I have a bunch of questions:

* Can you sit in their area for a couple of days so that you’re observing things firsthand? It sounds like you don’t think it’s as bad as Daisy is reporting, and this would give you more data to know for sure. You’d need to be open to the possibility that Peach might clean it up while you’re there — but it sounds like she might do this so reflexively that she couldn’t sustain that for a full day or two, and you could ask Daisy if her perception was different during that period.

* Can you rearrange how people are seated so that Peach is less disruptive? I’m guessing not, but you should absolutely try that if you can.

* Where are the other two team members in this? Do they disagree that Peach’s complaining is excessive? Are they not bothered because they don’t sit as close to Peach as Daisy does? Do they wear headphones so they don’t hear it? What’s their take on the situation?

* Can Daisy wear headphones at least some of the time to give herself a break?

* What exactly is Daisy hoping you’ll do? It’s worth asking her that directly. I don’t blame her for not taking you up on the facilitated conversation with you, her, and Peach — I probably wouldn’t in her shoes either — but if she’s refusing to address it with Peach herself but still complaining to you regularly, that’s not reasonable either. I’m interested in knowing exactly what she’d like you to do, and it’s worth asking her. (That doesn’t mean you should necessarily do whatever she says she wants. But you might get interesting insight from posing the question directly.)

If Peach’s complaining and emotional volatility is still excessive (which hopefully you can find out for sure with some sustained observation), you have a responsibility to the rest of the team to address it, because that’s exhausting to work around. But that’s not about disciplining her! It’s about having a discussion with her (maybe discussions, plural) where you establish better norms for working in close proximity to other people, including not dumping complaints on them or vocalizing more than occasional minor irritations. It’s appropriate for you to coach her on that as her manager, and for the sake of the rest of your team, you may have to.

One other thing: Daisy says she feels she needs to be Peach’s emotional support. That’s something you need to coach Daisy on, because the fact that she feels that way is making the problem worse. The problem is starting with Peach so you don’t want to put it all on Daisy, but Daisy needs to develop better coping strategies, which include getting comfortable with actively not being Peach’s emotional support. You probably need to coach her on specifically what that looks like, including things like not feeling obligated to respond at all when Peach is complaining.